


What Once Was Can Never Be Again

by FeatherofFawkes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 11:17:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17364914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeatherofFawkes/pseuds/FeatherofFawkes
Summary: ****Also posted on Fanfiction.net****There was another Marauder: Swara. Harry's godmother and Sirius' fiance. What will she do after that fateful Halloween? How will she protect her godson? This follows her story from the moment James and Lily die onwards with flashbacks to the Marauder's era.





	1. Chapter 1

I never thought I would visit this house in my life. I had one encounter with Lily's sister, and that was one too many. Making out the unmistakable purple robes of Albus Dumbledore, I sprinted over to Number 4 Privet Drive. "Professor, Professor!"

He looked over at me. McGonagall was there as well. I must've been a sight. Bedraggled hair, debris on my clothes, tear streaks on my face. I would grieve later. Right now, I had to make sure my godson was alright. "Where is he? Where is Harry?" I demanded.

Dumbledore looked at me over those half-moon glasses. "Hagrid is bringing him. I have a letter for his aunt. She'll take him in."

I snorted derisively. "Petunia will never accept Harry. She hated Lily, hated James, hated everything about the wizarding world! You cannot leave him here where he will be unloved!"

Those blue eyes held pity in them. Here I was, a woman who lost best friends, her parents, and now was about to lose her godson. I was as much an orphan as Harry. "I trust that Petunia Dursley will understand the situation and open her home to him. It is the only place he will be safe."

It was McGonagall who jumped in this time. "But Albus, I've watched these people all day. They are obsessed with normalcy. They will not tolerate a magical child or any accidental magic."

"Be that as it may, Petunia is Lily's sister. The same blood that ran through Lily runs through Petunia. Being in her house will protect Harry. I cannot explain much more than this, but it has to be Petunia," Dumbledore said with an air of finality just as the whirring of a familiar motorbike sounded from above. Sirius! Sirius would convince Dumbledore.

But it was not Sirius on the motorbike. It was Hagrid carrying a bundle in his arms. "Where is Sirius?" I asked.

"He wer at the house. He had young Harry in his arms. Wanted to take him, but I said it wer Professor Dumbledore's orders, an' he lent me his motorbike," Hagrid said.

I put my arms out for my godson, and the weight of his small body in my arms nearly made me cry. "Oh Harry. I've got you, little one."

"I'm afraid it's time to bid goodbye to Harry, Swara," Dumbledore said, extracting a letter from his robe.

I tried one last time. "Sir, you cannot leave him without a family. I know Petunia and Vernon. They will never accept him! James and Lily wouldn't have wanted this," I said, playing my trump card. "They would've wanted Harry to stay with Sirius and I, his godparents."

Dumbledore stroked my head. Once, the gesture would've been comforting. "He will be safe here. You know as well as I that Voldemort is not dead, only vanquished. Living in Petunia's house will give Harry the protection he needs," he said, while gently grabbing Harry from me. "I know this is not easy for you, Swara. But it's what is best for Harry." He had played his trump card, using Harry's well-being against me.

I visibly sagged. I was just tired. James and Lily were gone. Harry was not mine. "Can I at least visit him?" I asked, desperate for something, anything.

Once again, those blue eyes held immeasurable sadness. Or was that my own grief, reflected in them? "It may only antagonize them, while calling attention to Harry," he said, aware that he was breaking my already broken heart.

I nodded dejectedly. I took one last look at my godson before Apparating to Godric's Hallow before I did something stupid like cry.

* * *

The place was in shambles. "Sirius?" I called out, expecting to see him. I scrunched my nose in confusion. Hagrid said he was here. "Sirius?" I called again.

I eyed the house warily. He might still be inside. I took a step forward before stopping, fear weighing my body down like an anchor. I did not want to go inside, not to a place where I would see their bodies, where I would see evidence of the happy life they led in shambles. Just as I gathered the courage to enter the house, a squadron of Aurors had me surrounded, wands pointed menacingly. "What is going on?" I asked.

"You must come with us for questioning," one of them said. "Hand over your wand."

"Why?" I asked, not understanding what this was about. Suddenly, Moody appeared. I sighed in relief. He would sort this out.

But before I could get a word out, my wand flew from my hand to his. "Swara Patel, you are under arrest for conspiring with Sirius Black and You-Know-Who to murder James and Lily Potter."

I heard the words. I heard them multiple times since they seemed to ring in my ears. I understood nothing though. Sirius and I? Kill James and Lily? Impossible!

The burly Aurors grabbed my hands and tied them behind my back, and that's when I found my voice. "Alastor, what you are talking about? I did not kill James and Lily! Neither did Sirius! What is going on?" I shouted. He ignored me.

"Alastor, please. You know me. You know Sirius. We would never do such a thing! We would never follow Voldemort! James, tell him!" I screamed, calling to the one person who always had my back, before realizing that he would never answer.

I crumpled to the ground, shivering because of the cold or my tears freezing on my cheeks or my grief or the cruelty of this world that just took took took without giving anything back in return.

One of the Aurors grabbed me and I felt like I was being squeezed through the tube. We had Apparated into one of the trial rooms at the Ministry. Dumbledore, to my great relief, was there. He would sort out this madness. Sirius, however, was not there.

"Is your name Swara Patel?" the presiding judge, Barty Crouch, asked me.

"Yes."

"Ms. Patel, we have captured the criminal, Sirius Black, in a Muggle street after he killed 13 Muggles and Peter Pettigrew. We have also convicted him in the crime of turning James and Lily Potter over to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Crouch stated, not realizing how my heart fell through the floor. Peter, dead? At Sirius' hand?

"No, you don't understand-"

"SILENCE!" Crouch ordered. "Were you or were you not close with the Potters? Close enough to have their trust and be a valuable ally for You-Know-Who?"

"We were best friends, but I never-"

"And were you engaged to the other accused, Sirius Black?"

"Yes, we are but-"

"The court will see that the accused had opportunity-"

"LISTEN TO ME!" I interrupted. "Yes, Lily and James were my best friends. Yes, Sirius is my fiancé. But neither Sirius nor I had anything to do with their mur...with their deaths," I choked out. I turned to Albus. "Tell them, Professor!"

He stepped forward. "I do not believe that Ms. Patel betrayed the Potters. I can vouch that she was not the Secret Keeper and could not have divulged their location to Voldemort. Just before you captured her, she was with me. Minerva McGonagall and Rubeus Hagrid can also attest to this."

The jury began to talk amongst themselves. I grinned. They would not disregard Dumbledore's testimony. "Where is Sirius?" I asked.

No one responded. I repeated my question, specifically at Dumbledore. He didn't respond, and that's when I realized that Dumbledore never said anything about Sirius. He only said he didn't believe I betrayed James and Lily. Fear crept up my throat, and I shouted, "WHERE IS SIRIUS?"

Finally, Crouch answered. "Sirius Black is being transported to Azkaban as we speak. He was found guilty of the murders of 13 Muggles, Peter Pettigrew, and the Potters."

I was stunned. This was not possible. This was not possible. I turned to Dumbledore, my only lifeline. "Professor, that's a lie! You know it is! You know Sirius would never betray James and Lily, never betray the Order!" I screamed. "How can you let this happen? What about a trial? What about due process?" Some of the wizards backed away from me. Good.

"I'm sorry, Swara. I know it's hard for you to believe, but Sirius confessed. He was the Secret Keeper, the only one who could've given up their location," Dumbledore said firmly.

I reeled back in disbelief. Why was Professor Dumbledore lying? "No! They told me you were the Secret-Keeper!" James and Lily had told me so. They wouldn't lie to me. My best friend wouldn't lie to me.

"We agreed that the fewer people who knew, the better. James and Lily told the others I was the Secret-Keeper, to keep the Death Eaters off Sirius' tail," Dumbledore said, still with that somber pity in his eyes. At the sight of it, my anger flared up.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! LIKE I'M SOME CHILD, STUPID AND A MOMENT AWAY FROM BREAKING!" I screamed. I wanted to pull my hair out. "SIRIUS WOULD NEVER BETRAY LILY AND JAMES! HOW COULD YOU HAVE CONVICTED HIM WITHOUT A TRIAL! DID YOU USE VERITASERUM? PRIORI INCANTATUM? YOU SORRY EXCUSES OF HUMAN BEINGS!"

At my insinuation that he didn't do his job properly, Crouch arose from his stupor. A bit stiffly, he said, "There was no need for such measures when Black confessed. And, as I'm sure you know, those methods can be tricked by an extremely skilled Dark wizard of Black's caliber."

I was stunned. I looked again beseechingly to Dumbledore, who just looked away. Suddenly, a kind, familiar face popped in my head. "Remus!" I gasped. "Ask Remus Lupin! He'll tell you that Sirius would never do such a thing! Ask him!"

A Ministry witch wearing garishly pink clothes spoke up, "Unfortunately, the Ministry does not consider the testimonials of...let's say unsavory creatures."

"Unsavory creatures? He's a person. He's a wizard! And he's someone who can attest to Sirius' innocence!" I turned my fury on Crouch. "Are you so blind that you'll put anyone in Azkaban!"

Crouch, apparently, was done with me. "All in favor of conviction?" No one raised their hands. "All in favor of acquittal?" Every official, including the toad in pink, raised their wands.

"Acquitted." Crouch banged his gavel. He turned to Dumbledore. "I suggest you escort Ms. Patel from the premises, Albus."

I was too stunned to protest when Dumbledore steered me out of the room. "Come, Swara. Let's get you home."

I stopped moving. Home. The flat Sirius and I shared. The flat Sirius was in just a few hours ago, lounging on the couch. "No." My voice was hoarse.

Dumbledore raised a brow. "No?"

"I need to go to Azkaban," I said, resolutely. "I need to see him."

"He's not allowed any visitors, Swara."

"I need to see him! He needs to know that there's still one person in this god-forsaken world who believes him, who trusts him!" I shouted.

Dumbledore sighed. "Swara," he began, in a voice meant to soothe a nervous child, "Sirius confessed, and he was the Secret Keeper. I know you loved him, but he was not the man you thought he was."

"That's what you think. I know Sirius," I said.

If he was getting frustrated, he did a good job of hiding it. "Let's discuss this tomorrow. It's been a long night, Swara, for all of us. You should rest."

At the thought of going home, my chest constricted so much that I felt like I was being sucked in a vacuum. "I can't. Go home, that is." I stared at the ground.

Dumbledore, to his credit, didn't ask me to elaborate. "Then let's get you to Hogwarts. Make you a nice cup of tea."

Hogwarts was just as bad. 7 years of memories. I shook my head. "I would like to be alone tonight." When he looked as though he was about to protest, I added, "But I will stop by tomorrow to talk."

Realizing that he wasn't going to win, Dumbledore solemnly nodded. I could feel his eyes on me as I walked to the telephone booth. I could feel his eyes on me long after I knew they weren't.

* * *

I ended up in Godric's Hallow. I forced one foot in front of the other and stepped into the house. The front door was blown off, and a chill had settled in every corner of the once vibrant and warm home. The Ministry must've taken the bodies already. Good. I didn't want my last sight of James and Lily to be their empty eyes.  _Vrrr-rrbb!_  A stuttered, mechanical sound had me holding my wand at the ready. But my eyes fell on a toy broomstick, pathetically twitching in the corner of the room. Sirius and I had bought it for Harry's first birthday, though we didn't get to see him open it, Lily assured us that it was his favorite present.

I could see Harry exuberantly laughing, his little hands gripping the slick handle, and James running after him. I hadn't cried yet, forcing myself to keep those infinitely precious tears inside. But now, thinking of the Ministry taking away James and Lily's bodies, Harry under the care of Petunia, Sirius in jail, Peter dead, Remus God knows where, my whole life in shambles, I wept. Desperately.

Time was such a fickle thing. In a mere night, it had ripped my entire life away from me. In a mere night, it had created an orphan. In a mere night, it extinguished the happiness of seven people, ruined all prospects of a bright future, destroyed all dreams, hopes, wishes, and the most desperate desires. I didn't give a damn that Voldemort was gone. The price was too high.

I looked once last time at the ruins. Hesitating only a moment, I waved my wand. The lamps righted themselves, the debris settled back into the walls, floor dusted itself. I trudged up the steps and did the same, taking special care with the nursery, charming the mobile so it slowly spun, removing the blast marks on the wall. When I finished, I stepped out of the house, looking up at it. I had left the lamps on. If anyone walked inside, it would like just like it had a day ago, but I could never restore the people missing. The light flickered inside, but the house was still empty.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing except Swara.
> 
> AN: Here's the first chapter set in the Marauder's era. As the summary says, this story will basically alternate between this era and Harry's.

 

I never noticed how incredibly shabby the Leaky Cauldron rooms were. I guess no one really cared about the décor after a night of "well-mannered" fun. I sighed. The next night, I would be in my dorm, probably falling asleep to the sight of the stars I magicked into floating around my four-poster. The thought brought a smile to my face, momentarily banishing my grief at the death of my uncle Amar. My parents stayed back in India after the funeral, but they sent me here because term was starting soon. ("It's your fifth year, Swara. O.W.L. exams! You can't miss even a single day," my mum had firmly said, completely shutting down my wish to stay back as well.) My uncle and I weren't that close, but still, family is family, even if that family lives thousands of miles away. Da was devastated, couldn't stop reminiscing about childhood even though it just made him even more sad.

Unfortunately, the house was under renovations, and James' was out of town as well, leaving me to be stuck in the Leaky Cauldron. I can't complain too much though; at least I had unrestricted access to Diagon Alley.

I eventually fell asleep, thinking about all the homework that would be assigned fifth year and slightly grimacing.

* * *

I woke up to pain. My owl, Helen, had bit my finger and was now starting at me with contempt in her tawny eyes, waiting to be relieved of the letter. Helen reminded me of a severe old lady, maybe a primary school teacher, whose single gaze was enough to control a classroom full of children. (Thank Merlin Helen isn't human, at least the children are spared). On most days, she tolerated me. But, there were some special days in the year, rare and hard to come by, when she loathed me.

I took the letter, eyes lighting up when I saw it was from James.

_Hi Swara,_

_Sorry I didn't reply sooner, but France is kind of far from the Leaky Cauldron. (Speaking of which, beware your owl. She almost bit me to shreds after you made her fly all the way here)._ I let out a hmpf at that, glaring at Helen, who was blissfully asleep.  _Mum's been eating my head about OWLs, and it's driving me crazy, so I'm writing this from under a table. Hopefully, she doesn't spot me. Anyways, I finally found the book for the you-know-what. I reckon it'll really help us, but don't tell Remus yet. I don't want him panicking about the dangers. Can you believe he got prefect? Don't know what Dumbledore's thinking, to be honest, making a Marauder a prefect._

_I'll see you on the Platform. You better be ready for another year of wondrous mischief, my dear Swara!_

_James_

My eyes lit up in excitement. They had been talking about how to help with Remus' furry little problem, but the only solution was proving to be difficult, to say the least. James' promised to get a book from the Potter mansion from his dad, although I was sure that Mr. Potter probably had no idea that the book would be finding a home at Hogwarts this term. I felt a momentary twinge of guilt, but it quickly disappeared. It's not like we were going to misuse the book. It was for Remus, I repeated in my head. We were attempting highly dangerous, not to mention illegal, magic without supervision. But it was for Remus. Suddenly, his face came to my mind with his trademark slight grin. If it would help Remus, it would be worth it.

I glanced at the clock. 9:00 am. My trunk had been packed for days, so there was plenty of time for a shower and breakfast. I gingerly walked into the dilapidated bathroom. Every step made a squeaking sound, and I winced, praying that the floor wouldn't just give way. Needless to say, the shower was less than enjoyable. I quickly made my way downstairs for some of Tom's "lovely" cooking. The Cauldron was bustling today, and Tom was in his element. I smiled a little. He had been good to me these past few weeks. I shoveled down a plate of scrambled eggs (with the shell in some instances) and took the stairs two at a time to my room. Helen was still snoozing but she gave in indignant hoot when I grabbed her cage. Sweeping a cursory glance across the room, I made sure I had packed everything. Just as I was leaving, there was a knock at the door.

"Yes?" I said, opening the door to see two Ministry officials.

"Ms. Patel?" The taller of two asked.

I nodded my head. "Is everything alright?" My mind immediately flew to my parents. "My parents, are they okay?"

The two wizards seemed confused. "Yes, your parents are fine. In fact, they requested that we escort you to the Platform in a Ministry vehicle. My name is Dobbs, and this is Miller."

My initial panic disappeared, only to be replaced with frustration. "Why? I can take the Knight Bus." I could already imagine the stares I would get from the other students if I showed up in a Ministry car. I would never hear the end of it from the boys either.

Again, the taller one spoke. "Ms. Patel, with the recent...strange occurrences, your parents wanted to be sure of your safety. After all, it is not safe for a young witch to be traveling alone in these times."

I retorted, "When has it ever been safe for a young witch to be traveling alone? That doesn't mean I should sacrifice my independence. Regardless, I am fifteen, and I can certainly get myself to the Platform in one piece." I made to move past them, but they didn't budge.

I could tell Dobbs was getting frustrated, but I didn't care. My parents were fine with me staying alone in a lodging for two weeks, they shouldn't have a problem with my going to the Platform on my own.

"Ms. Patel, we have orders to escort you to the Platform," Miller finally spoke.

I stared at them, finally saying, "I hadn't realized that with all these...what did you call them? Strange occurrences. I hadn't realized that with all these strange occurrences, the Ministry could spare men to drive students to a train station. Or have all the important jobs already been covered?" I said, rather rudely. A flush stained both of their necks, and I waved an imperious hand, "Well, let's go then."

* * *

In the car, I felt bad. It wasn't their fault. I'm sure they wanted to deal with me even less than I wanted to be in this damn armored car right now.

King's Cross loomed ahead, and I instantly ceased my internal grumbling. I nearly jumped out of the car before it stopped. "You don't have to take me to the Platform. I can find my way from here," I said, extra nicely to make up for before. Dobbs looked like he was about to protest, but Miller nodded stiffly and reversed out of the lot as soon as I got my trunk and Helen.

It took all my willpower to not race through the station, but one look at Helen was enough to quench that thought. Honestly, this owl is more work than she's worth.

There it was. The wall between 9 and 10. For the life of me, I didn't know what it was called Platform 9 ¾. The wall was exactly in the middle. Should've been 9 ½. I casually leaned against the wall, and the next moment, I saw the distinctive black and red colors of the Hogwarts Express. Owls chittered away, and students were all racing to talk to each other after a long summer. I stood there, just taking in all the bustle.

"OI!" a familiar voice called out. I looked to my right, and there, waving enthusiastically at me, behind a throng of students, was James Potter. A large smile spread across my face, and I shoved past people quickly, not paying any attention to Helen's incessant hooting. When I finally got to the other side of the crowd, James ran over, pulling me to him in a tight embrace.

"Woah, James," I said, taking in all 6 feet of him. He had grown over the summer, and now towered over my average 5'4''. He also lost some of that baby fat, and I swear I saw Annelise Wharton giggling.

He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, a sure sign of embarrassment. "What can I say, Swara? I grew."

"That you did, my friend. That you did," I chuckled. His parents made their way over to me. "It's great to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Potter." I gave them both hugs.

"It's good to see you too, Swara! How was the Leaky Cauldron, eh? Tom still going strong?" Mr. Potter asked.

I laughed. "I don't think Tom ever stops working! Always something to fix in the Cauldron."

"And your parents? Are they alright? I can't imagine how horrible it must've been for you all," Mrs. Potter asked, her eyes glinting with sympathy.

"Da is still pretty shaken about it, but they're coming back in a week," I said.

She nodded. "Well, fifth year! It's an important one for sure! Are you ready, Swara?" she asked.

James, who was standing at my side (the side away from Helen), let out a groan. "Please, mum, not the O.W.L talk again!"

Mr. Potter laughed. "Come, Euphemia. Don't scare the children," he said, and James' breathed a sigh of relief. "Let their professors do that for you," he added, winking.

But James' was distracted. He had just caught sight of something in the crowd and was yanking on my arm. "What is it?"

"Over there!" he said, pointing to a place where I, from my 5'4'' height, could not see. "It's Remus!"

Suddenly, James yanked my arm up and began waving it around in order to catch Remus' attention. "Over here, Remus! Over here!" he shouted, exuberantly waving my arm and lifting me a few inches off the ground in the process.

"Ow! James!" I admonished. He looked at me in confusion. I sighed and pointed to my arm. This boy could be so stupid sometimes. James dropped my arm and sheepishly smiled.

"Sorry."

"So eager to see Remus are we, James?" I teased. "And here I thought Sirius was your best friend."

He laughed. "Oh Swara. I am a man of many friends. You should try it sometimes."

"What, the many friends part? Or the man part?" I whispered conspiratorially.

He whispered back. "Definitely the man part. The girls won't know what hit them."

I nodded gravely. "I would make a very handsome man, that's for sure."

"Do I even want to know why you're talking about Swara being a handsome male?" a new voice came from behind James.

"REMUS!" James exclaimed.

Remus just smiled, already engulfed in James' hug. "Swara, good to see you survived the Leaky Cauldron. Who would've helped me rein this one in?" Remus said, affectionately poking James.

I laughed, stepping forward for my hug, before saying, "I think a single glance from Lily is enough to rein this one in. The one you have to watch out for is Sirius."

Remus and I laughed at James' blush. He ran a hand through his hair. We hastily bid goodbye to the Potters and made our way onto the train, sitting in a secluded empty compartment. James' was preoccupied with watching every time someone passed the door, thinking it might be Lily. Remus and I had just started up a game of Exploding Snap, when the door opened to let in another familiar figure.

Sirius Black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing except Swara.

I was shocked as I took in the lean frame of a certain Sirius Black. What was with all the growth spurts this summer? Sirius was now tall, a bit taller than James' 6 bloody feet. Even Remus had grown to at least 5' 10''.

"Hello mates," Sirius said, a wide grin on his face, eyes dancing with delight.

I was not the only one who was stunned. James was staring like a vapid fish, and even Remus' eyes widened because holy Merlin, Sirius looked good. Better than good.

"Mates, I know I'm beautiful, but don't stare. It's rude," Sirius said mockingly.

We instantly snapped out of it, and James bounded up to give Sirius a hug. "Sirius! My friend! It's great to see your lovely self!"

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh, clapping James on the back. He turned to Remus. "Alright there, Remus? Prefect Remus?" Sirius teased.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Hello, Sirius."

"And Swara!" Sirius s _auntered_  over. Since when did Sirius saunter? "You and Remus aren't going to gang up on us this year, are you?"

I looked up at him, still unable to form words. "Uh...when have we ever been able to gang up on the two of you?" I recovered quickly.

He ruffled my hair. "And don't you forget it, love." At least that wasn't new. Sirius had a habit of teasing everyone by calling them "love."

He sat down opposite me. We spoke of our summers, although, other than James, none of us had done anything particularly noteworthy. Sirius, as usual, avoided talking about the time he spends in his house. Sometime later, Peter joined us. I was glad to see that he had not grown taller than me over the summer.

I pulled out a book ( _Great Expectations)_ and tuned out the boys increasingly passionate Quidditch discussion. I was a Chaser on the team myself, but no one, no one, could match James Potter in sheer Quidditch mania (or skill for that matter, that boy was born to fly). Several chapters in, I looked up to see James and Sirius still engaged in Quidditch discussion. Remus was nowhere to be found. "Where's Remus?" I asked.

Peter looked at me in surprise. "He left about an hour ago, Swara. Prefect meeting. You didn't notice?"

"I was reading," I said, defensively. "You know I don't notice things when I read."

Peter nodded, smirking a little. "I still don't understand how you can tune everything out, especially these two," he said, gesturing to James and Sirius, who didn't even notice. I stared at them in disbelief.

"You're wrong, Sirius! Puddlemere was good, but they've got no chance against the Cannons now that Hardy quit," James argued.

"Stop with your Cannon worship. Everyone knows that Rosenfeld can't Keep worth squat, the Beaters can barely aim, and Finn has bollocks for brains when it comes to strategy!" Sirius countered.

James opened his mouth to retort, but I shouted, "OI!"

They both looked at me. "Would you two shut up for a bloody second about Quidditch? I can't even breathe in here with you two taking up all the air arguing!"

James glowered at me, and Sirius simply stared. They looked at each other for a moment before resuming their conversation, at an albeit lower volume.

"Oh honestly!" I grumbled, shoving my book in my bag. "Who gives a bloody damn about Puddlemere and the Cannons."

All conversation suddenly ceased. Pete shot me a worried glance, and James and Sirius slowly turned to look at me. Well, shit.

"What did you say, Swara?" James menacingly said.

I wisely chose to keep my mouth shut. Sirius cocked a graceful eyebrow. "You know James, I don't think she's going to tell us. I think we need to...persuade her," he said, rather evilly if I might add.

They stood up and held their fingers up in threat.

Shit. Shit. Triple shit. Merlin's diarrhea. I knew what that meant. Tickling.

I had all but tried to melt into the seat, when I saw a figure at the door. "REMUS!" I screamed as he entered. I yanked his arm and pulled him in front of me. He looked confused for a second, but quickly noted the outstretched fingers of James and Sirius.

"Out of the way, Remus. This one was bad-mouthing the Cannons," James said.

"And Puddlemere," Sirius added.

At that, James turned to Sirius. "Puddlemere's already a joke."

"You take that back," Sirius said, using his few inches on James to his advantage.

"No," James said. As an afterthought, he stuck out his tongue. Not a moment after that, Sirius had turned his fingers to James. "Sirius, SIRIUS, STOP!" James said, coughing and laughing at the same time.

I took no time in joining Sirius tickle James, and Peter was quick to follow. There was something incredibly sweet about revenge.

"REMUS! SAVE ME!" James cried.

I looked back at Remus threateningly. "Don't you dare, Remus."

He tried holding his hands up in surrender but was laughing too hard.

Finally, we relented, only to chuckle at the sight before us. James Potter was splayed across the seat, glasses askew, hair messy (although there was nothing new in that), shirt rumpled, wearing a positively indignant expression.

"I hate you all," he said, vehemently. "Except Remus. Remus is my only friend."

Remus just rolled his eyes. "Oh, I am blessed! To have the honor of being James Potter's friend is something I've only dreamed about!" he said, sarcasm practically oozing out of him. Remus could be quite the little jokester, but so many people thought he was the silent one in the group.

There were no silent ones in this friendship.

I stood up. "We should put our robes on now. Can't be too long until we get there."

* * *

The horseless carriages were waiting for us as usual. We all grabbed one, and I saw Lily get in with Severus in another one. My mouth curled up in distaste. I trusted Lily's judgement, but the Slytherins Snape hung out with were...distasteful to say the least. Luckily, the boys didn't notice Snape, engrossed as they were in planning pranks.

Hogwarts loomed up from the darkness, and I resisted the urge to sigh in content. Every year, I was taken aback by the beauty of the castle against the backdrop of night. Sirius, I noticed, was also looking towards the castle. More than any of us, Sirius found a refuge in Hogwarts, away from his family and surrounded by those who truly loved him. He noticed me looking at him and gave me a rare, genuine smile.

"Swara, excited for the new year?" Mary MacDonald, another Gryffindor fifth year, asked me as we got off the carriage.

"Can't wait," I said drily, thinking about the piles of homework that would be assigned.

She giggled. "Your parents give you the OWL talk?"

I nodded. "Oh yeah. Multiple times."

"Mine too. Honestly, I don't want to hear another word about the OWLs, but I expect every professor will talk about it tomorrow. Good, McGonagall is going to kill us with all the work," Mary said, visibly shuddering as we made our way inside the castle.

"Lucky for you, I happen to be brilliant at Transfiguration," I said, flipping my hair.

"What's this about Transfiguration?" James called from behind me.

"Swara and I were talking about how McGonagall is going to drown us with homework this year, and then Swara started to boast about her Transfiguration prowess," Mary said with a smirk.

"Prowess? What prowess?" James said cheekily.

I slapped his shoulder. "I happen to be the third in our class!"

Sirius appeared on James' right. "Yeah, after James and me."

I shot him a glare. "Shut up, you two," I said, grumbling about the annoyances of having two ridiculously brilliant best friends.

They were right. No one, no one, could beat James in Transfiguration. He was a natural and elevated his natural abilities with additional reading and practice. In fact, James and Sirius occupied the top two spots in pretty much every class, except Potions (the top honor going to a certain Slytherin) and Charms (Lily's best subject).

"Are you whining about James and Sirius being the best at everything again?" Remus asked as I plopped down on the Gryffindor table.

"Again? What do you mean, again?" I said, affronted.

"Swara! We can't help it if we are naturally endowed with great looks AND a spectacular brain!" James said.

I scoffed. "Great looks? You must be talking about George Whiteby because I don't see anyone here with great looks."

"You wound me, Swara! And here I thought my newly pleasing aesthetics made you speechless on the train," Sirius said with his perpetual mischievous smile.

I felt myself heat up at that. I can't believe he noticed. Luckily, with my brown skin, you couldn't tell I was blushing. "No, that was merely shock that your big head was able to fit in the compartment."

Peter quoted, "The lady doth protest too much."

"Are you using Shakespeare against me? That's cruel, Peter, cruel," I said. Peter, to everyone's surprise, turned out to be quite a reader. We often exchanged books, and the Bard was his personal favorite.

"Why are we shaking spears at each other?" James asked, confusion quite evident on his face.

I glanced at Peter before bursting into laughter. ("What?" came James' voice). Remus too was chuckling lightly before he leaned over to explain to our confused friend. I shook my head in affection at him.

Just then, Lily walked over (James ran his fingers through his hair). "Swara! How are you? How are your parents?"

I stood up to give her a hug. "I'm good, Lily. Mum and Dad will be okay. How was your summer?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "It was fine. Relaxing, but boring, really. I'm glad to be back at school." Lily looked over my shoulder and glared, having seen the Marauders. "Anyways, I'll see you after the feast, okay? Find me so we can go up together."

I nodded, and she went to sit with Mary and Emily, the other two Gryffindor fifth years. James, who seemed to have a compulsion to humiliate himself, hollered after her, "Evans! Has anyone told you how lovely you look today?"

Lily shot him a glare that would have me crawling to my grave. James, however, was completely unaffected. "Hogsmeade?"

"No, Potter! I will not go to Hogsmeade with you, just as have not gone with you the past two years you've been eating my head about it. I would rather go to Hogsmeade with a Blast-Ended Skrewt!" she shouted, furiously walking to her seat.

"The lady doth protest too much," James said, a smile on his face.

I groaned.

* * *

Two hours (and three helpings of pudding) later, I stared at the enchanted stars above my bed. It was James' idea, back in second year. I confided that I was feeling a bit homesick. My parents had similarly enchanted the ceiling of my room to accurately display the stars, and I missed it. Together with the boys, we came up with a similar enchantment for my bed here.

I sighed. I wished that James would be himself around Lily, just so she can see that he's not always a "self-centered, obnoxious, idiotic, toe rag." But he seemed to lose all sense when it came to her. For his friends, James would do anything, and I hoped that Lily would come to see that.

Remus had gone out to do prefect rounds when James showed us the book on human transfiguration he filched from his dad's study. Hopefully, it would help us complete the process. Merlin knows we don't need a repeat of last year when Sirius ended up transfiguring only his ears and had to wear a hat for two weeks. I went to sleep thinking that this may be the year we finally become Animagi and a smile flitted across my face. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara.

I walked out of Godric's Hollow.

It was nearing sunrise.

A few Muggles gave me strange looks, noticing my robes.

I walked aimlessly.

I didn't know where to go. The flat I shared with Sirius, where just yesterday we ate dinner together...I didn't think I could bear going back there. It's a heavy feeling, realizing that you have nowhere to go, no one who will take you in.

"Excuse me, miss?" a Muggle girl my age called me. I slowly turned. She wore a well-loved apron and a soft smile. "It's freezing out. Why don't you come in?" she said, gesturing behind her to a little tea place.

I stared at her. My eyes must've belied the emptiness of my heart because she came to me, not letting the gentle upturn of her lips fall. "My name is Rose. My parents own the tea shop. You look like you could use some warmth," she said, immediately blushing at her perceived forwardness. "I mean...it's cold and you look tired. I have tea and fresh cookies."

I didn't know how to stop staring. She couldn't have been more than 19 years old. I watched her take in my robes and haggard appearance. Instead of fear, I only saw sympathy in her eyes. I mutely nodded, allowing her to take my hand and steer me into the warmth.

It was too early for anyone to be out yet so the place was empty. Rose went behind the counter and poured a cup of tea before sitting across from me.

"What's your name, ma'am?" she asked.

I hesitated, years of vigilance during Order missions preventing me from answering right away. It would take a while to forget my Order training.

"Swara," I finally answered. My hoarse voice shocked me.

"Swara," she said, testing it out. "That's a lovely name."

"Thank you."

We sat in silence, the only sound coming from the infrequent sips of tea I took.

"Are you alright, Miss Swara?" she suddenly asked.

I avoided the question. "Just Swara, please."

She nodded and waited for me to answer. When it was clear that I wasn't going to, she sighed. Suddenly, I felt ashamed. This girl had only tried to help me, seeing a person in pain. It was something Lily would do. "I lost my family," I said, trying to not sound like a small child, but failing.

Rose immediately leaned forward, placing a hand over my fist. Thank Merlin she didn't try to say anything.

After a few minutes, I got up. I reached into my pocket to pay her, but I had no money, wizarding or Muggle.

"There's no need," she said firmly.

"Thank you, Rose," I said.

She nodded. "May I ask a question? Please don't feel obligated to answer," she said. I nodded in approval, and she went on, "Were they from here? Your family? Would I know them?"

"Yes, but they didn't get out very much. You probably didn't know them," I said, fighting back tears.

"You're not speaking of a young man, are you? Tousled black hair, round glasses?" she asked.

My hand stilled on the doorknob. I whirled around so fast, I stumbled on the foot of my robes. "Yes! Yes! That's him! That's James!" I shouted.

"He came in here a couple of times last year. He loved the chocolate cookies. I haven't seen him in months though. I thought he moved," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

James used to come here. He had sat in this very room, eating cookies. The tears came so fast, I thought it started raining inside. Rose grabbed a bag from the counter and pressed it into my hands.

"These were his favorite," she said by way of explanation. I stared at the bag of cookies...cookies that James came here to eat, and I pulled Rose into a hug.

"Thank you."

I took one long look at the place, committing the cream fleur-de-lis wallpaper, the dainty china cups, the wooden brown chairs to memory.

The Sun was rising, casting a golden shimmer on the snow-covered streets.

I Apparated.

* * *

I was sitting on a swing, eating the warm cookies. They tasted just like the way the Hogwarts house-elves baked, and I knew why James was so attached to them. A few Muggle children were dragging their tired mothers over to the playground, but I didn't move, not even when their mothers steered them away from the strange lady on the swings.

She had taken him inside. I checked the moment I got here. Fighting the urge to knock on the door so early in the morning, I walked around the neighborhood until I could no longer ignore the urges of my stomach.

_Pop!_

I looked up from my breakfast at the sound of someone Apparating. I stood up, tightening my hand around my wand. The wizard stood in front of Number 4, a familiar mop of shaggy brown hair on his head.

Moony.

"Moony," I breathed. His back stiffened, and he turned around. Not even after the full moon did Remus look as haggard as he did now. I briskly walked towards him, breaking into a run before launching myself into his arms. Moony gripped me tight, and I felt his tears hitting my hair.

"Is it true?" he asked. "Harry's here?"

We both carefully avoided mentioning anything else, focusing all our attention on Harry.

"Yes," I said. "Dumbledore insisted."

He nodded, tiredly. "I know. He told me about the blood protection."

I walked towards the door, but he grabbed my arm. "What are you doing, Swara?"

I looked at him in confusion. "Going to see Harry, same as you."

Remus adamantly shook his head. "No! You can't see him, Swara. Dumbledore said-"

My eyes blazed in fury. "I know what Dumbledore said. I was there! But I need to see him, Remus. I need to see him," my voice broke at that last statement.

He sighed. "I know. Why do you think I'm here? But it'll only make it worse for him, Swara. You know Petunia. What do you think she'll do if she sees the two of us here? Please, just listen to Dumbledore."

I wrenched my arm away. "No! Dumbledore thinks he's doing what's best for Harry, but he's wrong." I blazed on when I noticed Remus about to interrupt. "He just lost his parents, Remus! He deserves a loving family, not the Dursleys!"

"Swara, it's for his own good," Remus said tiredly.

"I know. I wasn't planning on abducting him or anything," I said. "But he won't grow up unloved, Remus! I won't let that happen!"

Remus stood silent for a minute, contemplating what I said. I could tell that he was almost convinced.

"James and Lily wouldn't want him to grow up without love, Remus. Neither would Sirius," I said, trying to push him over to my side.

Remus' eyes burned in anger. "Don't talk to me about that man!"

I was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"It's his fault! His fault that James and Lily are dead, his fault Harry's an orphan, his fault Peter's dead. It's all his fault!" he screamed, alarming the nearby Muggles. Remus covered his face with his hands. "I hate him...I hate him," he said, his voice breaking.

"Moony, Sirius didn't betray anyone! How could you even believe that!" I said. Of all the people, I thought at least Remus would be on my side. He would believe me about Sirius.

"He confessed, Swara! He confessed! And he was their Secret-Keeper!" he argued.

I was angry now. I thought I could count on Remus to help me free Sirius. "How could you, Remus? How could you mistrust your friends?"

"Well, how do you explain what happened then! Only a Secret-Keeper could've told Voldemort!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I shouted. At this point, I cast a Muffliato so the Muggles didn't call the police on us. "I DON'T KNOW! THERE HAS TO BE SOME EXPLANATION! THEY THREW HIM IN WITHOUT A TRIAL, WITHOUT VERITASERUM, WITHOUT PRIORI INCANTATO!"

Calming myself, I continued in a softer voice, "I don't know, Remus. But what I do know is that Sirius would die before he betrayed James. And I thought you would know that too." I didn't bother to hide my disappointment.

He sighed. "Swara, there is no other explanation," he said, holding up a hand when he noticed I was about to argue. "Let's not fight, please. Let's go see Harry."

Suddenly, I remembered that there were only two people I had left now: Remus and Harry. Shame colored my face. Bickering here like children when our best friends just died, when my godson was behind those doors, probably wondering where his parents are.

I nodded and rang the doorbell. Petunia Dursley nee Evans looked nothing like Lily. She had none of Lily's quiet beauty, none of the kindness in her eyes as she realized who was at the door. Furtively glancing outside, she ushered us in the house.

We stood there, in Petunia's house in our dirty robes, rather awkwardly. Surprisingly, it was Petunia who first spoke. "Is it true?"

We simply nodded. I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting. A shrug of her bony shoulders? A curl of the lips? Something that would reflect her hate of her sister, probably. But Petunia did none of those things. She let out a deep sigh and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, the hard quality was back. "I suppose you want to see him, then?"

She pointed down the hallway and went upstairs, but not before saying, "Mrs. Davis comes by for a chat at 8:00."  _So leave before then_ was what she meant. I ran towards the room, not caring if I ruined the pristine carpet.

There, in a small crib. My godson. He gurgled in happiness at seeing a familiar face. "Masi!" he exclaimed ( _Maa-shee)_. I started crying. I spent weeks teaching him how to call me "aunty" in my mother tongue. He remembered.

Harry stood up and reached his arms out, the universal gesture for pick me up. Feeling his familiar weight in my arms, the weight of a small life, soothed some of my hurt. Harry beamed, seeing Moony behind me. He immediately stretched his arms out, tugging to go to Remus. I acquiesced even though part of me wanted to hold onto Harry and never let go.

"Dada, Mama?" he asked. Remus' face fell, and he looked at me with pain in those weathered eyes. "Pafoo?"

When Harry started babbling at about 6 months, Lily took it upon herself to teach Harry how to say everyone's names (James started trying the very day after Harry was born). Remus was "Mooey" and Peter was "Wormy."

Moony distracted Harry with a few well-timed tickles, and soon enough, Harry was giggling with happiness. I glanced at the time. 15 minutes left until Petunia kicked us out. 15 minutes to say everything that I could say and everything that I didn't have the words to say to Harry. I waited until Remus was done whispering his goodbye and pretended not to notice the lone tear on his face and the lingering kiss he gave Harry.

He handed me Harry and, once again, the familiar shape of him calmed my heart. He started playing with my hair (always careful not to pull), and I lightly traced the lightning bolt on his forehead. I didn't say anything, content to just watch him. The ghosts of those who were missing lingered, and if I closed my eyes, I could imagine this was a normal day at Godric's Hollow. Peter, lounging on the couch. Sirius, standing behind me, would be making faces at Harry, making him laugh in delight. James would complain that we were stealing his son (his face lighting up at the word "son"), and Lily and Remus would watch with the same mock-suffering expression.

I migrated to the window and bent my face low, nuzzling Harry. "Harry, love, look at me," I said. "I'm sorry, Harry. You have to stay here for now because...because bad things have happened." I choked on the words, and Harry looked at me with confusion in those green eyes.

"Dada?" he said. Babies are perceptive. I don't know if he was asking if the bad thing happened to his dad, or if I needed his dad. Both were true.

"Dada's not here, right now. He's up there," I said, pointing up at the sky. "And in here." I placed my hand on his heart.

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I couldn't help them, and I couldn't do anything to help you. I'm sorry that you got caught in this war. And I'm sorry for everything that has and will cause you pain. I love you," I whispered. Harry sensed the weight of my words and didn't take his eyes off me. I kissed his forehead, walked back to the crib, and lowered him in. He smiled at me.

Remus took my hand, and we walked out of the room. I couldn't resist one last glance at my godson, standing in his crib, smiling at his Masi and Uncle Moony, unaware of what he had lost.

* * *

Remus and I Apparated back to his flat. We sat in silence, not knowing what to say or do now. I dropped my head on his shoulder, and, out of reflex, he pulled me in closer. How many times had we sat like this in Hogwarts?

"Too many times to count," he answered. I hadn't realized I asked that aloud.

I sighed. "And how many times after Hogwarts?"

"Not enough times," he said, shifting to look at me.

"Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't joined the Order...that we hadn't joined," I whispered the darkest secret of my heart. Maybe I wasn't as noble or brave as my House would have me believe. "I know that it was the right thing to do but..." I trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

"But you wish that it wasn't a choice between the Order and living your life. Between what's right and your happiness," he said, understanding me perfectly.

I nodded. "Don't we deserve to be happy, Moony?" I asked, turning my face into his shoulder so he wouldn't see me cry.

I felt his hand stroke my hair. "I don't know, Swara," he said honestly. It was this uncertainty that marked wartime. This bleak outlook, this fear and regret.

"I want them back," Moony said. I looked at him, truly noticing the new scars for the first time. We all had some of those, visible or not.

Silence settled over the room. I closed my eyes and pictured the Black Lake. It was a sunny day, and we were sitting by the lake. James was reading  _Quidditch Through the Ages_ for the twentieth time, but somehow, he managed to also throw the Snitch around with Sirius. Remus, Peter, and I were working on our Herbology homework. Back then, that was just a normal day. We never thought much of it.

Now, I would give anything to return to that time when my friends were alive, my parents were alive, and I was happy.

As you get older, you realize that the strongest force in the world is not wisdom, or friendship, or love. It's Time. Time is both the strongest and the cruelest power, and we are powerless to stop it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara.

I shoveled food into my mouth, taking only the barest time to chew before swallowing.

"Um, Swara?" Remus asked. I looked up to see the boys staring at me.

"What?" I said.

"Love, I know Hogwarts has great food, and you're probably starved after the Leaky Cauldron, you poor thing, but maybe you should slow down a bit. After all, we don't need you to throw it up on us," Sirius said.

I glared at him. "I need to go to the library," I said, by way of explanation.

The boys, even Remus, groaned. "Oh, come on, Swara! It's the first day!"

I ignored them, shoving more bread in my mouth. James looked slightly disgusted.

"If you must know, Professor Babbling mentioned something about runes from the Medieval era, and it-" I was cut off.

"piqued your interest, we know," the boys sang together.

I hid a smile behind a spoonful of French onion soup. After four years together, we knew each other more than ourselves. I gathered my bag and stood up, waving bye to the boys.

"If you find the first edition copy of  _The Tempest_ , bring it for me! I left my copy at home," Peter called out from behind me. I raised my hand in acknowledgment.

Ancient Runes and Transfiguration were probably my favorite subjects. Runes especially were fascinating to me, and I did a lot of additional reading. It was like a mystery, uncovering the secret language of the past, and I loved it.

Madame Pince waved hello to me as I walked in. She never told me this, but I'm pretty sure that I'm her favorite student. I have a special edition copy of  _Advanced Rune Translation_ , given to me for Christmas, to prove it.

Unsurprisingly, no one was there. I strolled over to the rune shelves and grabbed a few promising titles:  _History of Medieval Runes, Merlin's Influence on Medieval Study of Runes, The Complete Medieval Runes Guide._ I carried them to what was unofficially my table, perfectly situated by the window for natural lighting and in the back, near the Restricted section, to avoid the incessant chattering of study groups. The only downside to this otherwise magnificent spot was that it was the perfect hideout for couples. At least it was, until I placed a hex on it, causing the couple to be joined at the hip for 1 hour (James and Sirius thought it should be longer, but I was feeling lenient that day).

I quickly finished all my assigned work before starting on the books, copying down some of the more interesting runes.

"Ms. Patel, I believe that it's time for dinner," Madame Pince told me.

I nodded at her gratefully, shoving the books in my bag. Before I left, I went to the Muggle literature section to grab Peter's book. Right next to it was  _King Lear_ , my favorite Shakespeare play. I hesitated, gauging how much room was left in my bag.

There was not enough room so I decided to just carry it.

That's how I ended up with five more books that I decided to just carry.

"I really need to add an Undetectable Extension charm on this thing," I grumbled, lugging my bag and six books in my hand.

When I finally reached the Gryffindor table, the boys weren't there yet. Wanting to wait, I grabbed one of the books I impulsively took ( _The Once and Future King)_ and started reading. One chapter later, I heard a familiar groan. "How is it that you go to get a single book, and you end up with eight?" James asked, exasperation evident on his face as he cleared away the table of my books.

"And you've already read that one!" he added, as if personally affronted.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, James. It's called re-reading. You know, re as in the prefix for again, and reading, well, maybe you don't know what reading is," I teased.

James slapped my head with a book, and I yelled, "OW!"

He had the nerve to smile. "Sorry, Swara. My hand slipped."

"Did you get my book?" Peter asked.

I made a vague gesture to the pile James had so unceremoniously deposited next to me and continued reading.

Suddenly, the book was taken out of my hands. I whirled around, expecting to see Sirius' cocky smirk, but it was Remus.

"Remus!" I said, shocked.

There was a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Now, now, Swara. You know the rules. No reading at the table."

A bark-like laugh came from behind me. Sirius had just taken his seat next to James, and he patted my seat. I tried to grab the book from Remus' hands, but he waved it above his head.

Damn his growth spurt. The bastard knew it too from the smirk he gave me.

"Oooh, he's got you, Swara. You'll have to jump for it," James said.

I put one hand on my waist and tapped my foot impatiently, glaring at Remus. "Hand it over, Lupin."

"Oh no, Remus. She's using your last name AND tapping her foot. You better run!" Sirius joked.

Remus did not budge, nor did he lower the book. Not wanting to give up my dignity and actually jump for it, I stood there, glaring at Remus. We were at an impasse. But I saw something he didn't. A flash of red hair, and suddenly, the book was out of Remus' hands. He whirled around. "Lily?"

I practically skipped over to her, and she gave me the book. "Shame on you, Remus!" she said, smiling. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Terrorizing an itty-bitty third year like that! Why on Earth are you a prefect?"

I gaped at her. "Itty-bitty third year?"

She winked at me and left. The boys started laughing.

"I hate you all," I grumbled, plonking myself down in my seat.

James reached across Sirius to ruffle my hair. "Aw, is the ickle baby upset?"

"I'll have you know, my height is perfectly average! It's normal!" I cried.

Remus snorted, Sirius was too busy laughing, and Peter was pretending to read his book but I could see his shoulders shaking from mirth.

"Whatever you say, Shorty," James said.

I punched him in the shoulder. "You keep this up, and I won't join the team this year," I threatened.

He instantly sobered. "You wouldn't dare," he said.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Why would you need a shorty like me? Eliza Cromwell's been asking me to tutor her, but Quidditch practice kept clashing with her schedule. I could take her up, make some extra cash."

"But we need you!" James whined.

"Well, you better be nice to me!" I shot back.

James contemplated it for a moment. Sirius decided to intervene. "Mate, she's a Patel. Their family is rich; she doesn't need extra cash."

"Oh yeah!" James said, now at ease with the situation.

"So what? I could still tutor her just because I am a munificent person," I said, rather pompously. The vocab word was lost on James and Sirius. I sighed. "Munificent? No, you don't know...Merlin, it means generous."

Realization dawned on their faces. "I'm friends with dolts," I whispered.

"Come off it, Swara. You wouldn't quit Quidditch," Peter said.

I sighed. "You're right. I wouldn't."

James cheered. "So, Swara, when do you want to talk about strategies?"

"James, I know you're excited about being captain, but the season hasn't started yet!" I exclaimed.

"It's never to early to start preparing," he answered.

"Yeah? When have you prepared early for something? Hell, when have you prepared?" Remus asked incredulously.

He was stumped, and we laughed. His face brightened then. "This summer when I was nicking the book from Dad's study."

Shit.

Sirius, Peter, and I exchanged worried glances.

"What book?" Remus asked.

James realized what he had blurted out, and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. "Umm, this one books...I mean one book...that I..." he struggled, looking to us for help.

It was actually painful to watch. Alas, lying was not amongst James Potter's innumerable talents.

He gave up. "Oh, fine!" he said, throwing his hands up, narrowly missing Sirius' face. "Remember we were trying to do the thing last year to help you with your furry little problem?" he asked.

Remus leant back, understanding everything. "James, I told you to drop it."

"And we said no. It's a good plan, Remus, a solid plan. And we were close too. Just need a little guidance," James said firmly.

Remus opened his mouth to argue again, probably to pontificate on the dangers and how he's not worth it, but Sirius beat him. "We'll be fine, Remus. You're our friend."

Silence descended on the group before Peter said, "So when do we get to see this book?"

"Tonight?" James asked.

"Why not?" I asked. "How about at nine? I'll come to your dorm."

They nodded, and we went back to talking.

* * *

Lily was suspicious when the boys escaped to their room later that evening.

"Hmm, that's strange," she said, tapping her quill against her lips.

"What?" I asked nonchalantly, peering over the top of my book ( _The Complete Medieval Runes Guide)._

"They're usually the last to head up," she said, before whirling towards me. "Are you all planning something? Some prank?"

I held my hands up. "No! I don't know!" I did not want to get on Lily's bad side.

She looked at me, thinking. "Okay, I believe you. But they never go up so early."

I took the opportunity to distract her. "I hadn't realized you paid such close attention to them, Lily."

I tapped my finger against my chin, as if in deep thought. "Maybe you like them more than you let on, huh? Maybe a certain boy is growing on you?" I teased.

She blushed to the color of a Muggle firetruck. "No! Never!" she protested. "I...uh...they're trouble, that's what they are. As a Prefect, it's my job to prevent any trouble," she said, recovering quickly.

"Uh huh. You keep telling yourself that," I said. I flounced up the stairs to the boy's dormitories.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked.

"To tell your future husband that you pay attention to him!" I joked.

"Don't you dare, Swara! It's not true!" came Lily's rather  _dulcet_ tunes from behind me.

I just laughed and winked at her before running up the stairs.

The boys were lounging on their beds when I came in. "Finally! What took you so long?" Sirius exclaimed.

I raised an eyebrow. "You lot came up five minutes ago."

"Remus here wouldn't let us look at the book until you got here!" Sirius said, throwing a sharp glance at Remus.

I sat next to Remus, patting his shoulder. "And that's why Remus is my best friend," I said, grinning at him. He smiled.

"Alright, now that you're here, let's get down to business," James said, pulling the book out of his trunk.

" _Complex Human Transfiguration_ by Cressida Harrington," Peter read. "Blimey, that's a large book!"

We all situated ourselves on the ground, putting the book in the center. James had opened it to the chapter on Animagi.

I quickly read through it. "This doesn't give instructions," I said.

"Would you wait for us mere mortals to catch up?" James asked with snark.

I threw a pillow at his head but waited for them to finish the page.

"Damn, I thought this would really help," James said. "Sorry, Remus."

Remus looked a little relieved, but no one could mistake the hint of sadness either. "It's alright, James. It would've been too dangerous anyways."

But Sirius' eyes were still glued to the page. I smacked his head. "You're not still reading, are you?"

"I think there's a hidden page," he said, dropping his voice to a theatrical whisper.

"What, like in one of those Muggle mysteries?" Peter asked.

Sirius grabbed Peter's hand and placed it on the page. "Look, feel it! The page is thicker than the others!"

I could barely notice a difference, but Sirius had already taken his wand out. "Wait, hold on, mate!" James yelled. "That's my dad's book!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Trust me, James."

We all sat back as Sirius carefully peeled away the page to reveal another one.

"Woah."

"The process to become an Animagus is arduous and not for the weak-hearted. Failure can result in permanent disfiguration or death," I read the disclaimer.

"Good think we're not weak-hearted," James said, a brilliant smile on his face. Peter and Remus looked sick.

"Maybe we should reconsider?" Remus asked.

"Remus, we'll be fine. After all, we have the three best students in Transfiguration right here. McGonagall even says we're better than some of the NEWT students," James said. It was true. James loved to experiment, and since Sirius and I were practically always around, we picked up on some of it too.

"I still think-" Remus started.

"It's fine, Remus. James already knows a bit about human Transfiguration. We'll help each other," I reassured, even though my stomach felt a little queasy. The werewolf weakly nodded, and we turned back to the text.

"What rubbish is this?" Sirius said. "Hold a mandrake leaf under your tongue for a month?"

"How are we going to do this without getting caught?" Peter asked. "People will be suspicious if we suddenly stop talking."

I groaned. "Forget people. What about Lily?" She gets suspicious over the littlest things the boys do. Not talking for a month will set off alarm bells in her mind. This was bad.

From the horrified look on their faces, they agreed. James was the first to recover. "Okay, we'll just have to plan it out. Convince everyone it's about something else."

"Like what?" Remus asked.

"I don't know, but if we tell people beforehand that we'll be observing a month of silence for some reason, they won't be surprised," James reasoned.

"Okay, but what would we tell them that they'll believe? That it was some bet we had?" Sirius said.

A lightbulb went off in my head. "That's actually brilliant! People will believe that you guys would do something dramatic and stupid over a bet, and we can say Remus won the bet, so he doesn't have to stay silent!"

James leaned over to give me a high-five. "Yes! The plan is coming together!"

"Wait a minute. What's the bet?" Peter asked.

"How many treacle tarts we can eat in a minute?" Sirius offered, rubbing his stomach absent-mindedly.

"No. Lily knows Swara would win that," Remus said.

I nodded before realizing that he was smirking. "Hey!"

"Remus is right. Maybe if we changed it to chocolate though?" Peter said.

"Don't you guys think that food is a little too...insignificant a thing to bet a month's silence on?" I asked.

"How about who is the better potioneer?" We all looked to Remus in confusion. "Slughorn's having us brew the Draught of Living Death tomorrow, said he'll be testing to see who has the best potion."

"And you think people will believe we had a bet over our Potion's skills?" I asked, incredulously. "Besides, Snape will have the best one."

Remus just looked even more convinced. "Exactly! James can announce to Lily in class that he bets he can make a better potion than Snape. Sirius will then laugh, at which James will pretend to be offended. James will then proceed to ask Sirius, 'You think you can make it better than me?" and then he'll drag the rest of us in the bet. Sirius can announce the terms, and you all will have to make sure you lose and I win."

We stared at him in shock. It was perfectly stupid, which made it brilliant.

"You're scary sometimes, you know," James said, still staring at Remus who responded with a positively evil smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

Waking up in a lumpy bed that is not your own is rather disconcerting. I shot straight out of bed, my mind scrambling to figure out where I was. It wasn't until I saw the distinct typical old-lady wallpaper (resplendent with heavy floral patterns), that I knew this was Remus' flat. Tiptoeing out the room, I saw mussed brown hair sticking out from a plethora of blankets.

Because of Remus' condition, he tended to run warmer than the rest of us. Still, that never stopped him from hogging the rest of the boys' blankets. For the first time since Halloween, I smiled. A genuine smile, not laced with any hidden sadness. At the revelation, I practically skipped over to the kitchen and started to whip up some breakfast. Remus also was a very deep sleeper, which was good, because I tended to be rather clumsy in the kitchen.

I was making an omelet (topped with mushrooms and green peppers, Remus' favorite), when I noticed that the werewolf in question was stirring. "Moony?" I called out.

"Hmgrh," came a garbled reply from the deep recesses of the blankets.

"I made breakfast. Your favorite, actually," I said, waving around the plate. I watched in amusement as he poked his nose out, sniffing the air. It was easy to forget that he was only twenty-one, not a middle-aged man. It was easy to forget we all were just twenty-one.

"Omelet?" he asked, his voice saturated with hope.

"Yup."

That's all it took for him to get out of bed. Or attempt to get out of bed. The consequence of sleeping with so many blankets is that it's a nightmare to untangle yourself from them. However, how amusing for bystanders to watch.

I stifled a laugh as Remus struggled with the wool. The irony of the werewolf fighting the wool was not lost on me. Finally, he managed to escape the fiendish grip of the blanket and practically ran over to the counter.

"What do you plan on doing today?" I asked.

"I guess look for a job. It won't be easy though," he sighed, resuming eating.

I sipped my orange juice. "Why don't you ask Dumbledore? I'm sure he'll find something."

Remus shook his head. "No. Dumbledore's already done a lot for me. I need to do this on my own."

I sighed. "Remus, there's no harm in asking for help."

"It's not just that, Swara," he hesitated. "I want him to see that I can get a job, that his faith in me wasn't misplaced," he said softly.

I knew how much Dumbledore meant to Remus. He looked up to the man like no one else. Dumbledore's approval, Dumbledore's word meant everything to him.

"Oh Remus," I said, pulling him into a hug. I felt him relax against me, finding comfort in familiarity. "Trust me when I say that there is no one who loves you that wouldn't be proud of you."

We stayed like that for a few minutes before he pulled away. "What about you? Don't you have to go to work today?"

I shook my head. "They can do without me for a few days. Besides, most people will be out celebrating," I said, unable to completely hide the sadness from my voice.

Thankfully, Remus didn't comment on it. "I suppose you're right. Either way, I need to be off. The sooner I find work, the better," he said, standing up to leave.

"Do you want me to come with?" I asked, trying not to sound too desperate.  _Please say yes. Please don't leave me here alone. Please don't ask me to leave._

He hesitated. "No, I think I should go alone," he said.

My face fell. "Of course. I'll head out then," I said, heading towards the door.

He grabbed my hand, and I looked back. "Maybe when I get back we can re-decorate this place? I know how much you hate the wallpaper," he asked.

I was confused. Why would he care if I hated the wallpaper? "What?"

Moony sighed. "Honestly, Swara. You can be so daft sometimes. I want you to live with me."

I stared at him with a blank look on my face before a grin broke out. I threw my arms around him in delight. "Really? You'll let me stay?"

He kissed the top of my head. "I want you to stay, Swara. We only have each other now, and I don't want you to be alone. I don't want to be alone."

I pulled away. "I was hoping you would let me stay. I didn't want...I couldn't bear...I have nowhere to go," I said, looking down.

"Well, now this is your home too."

We smiled at each other and it was as if the years slipped backwards, and we were back in Hogwarts.

I pushed him towards the door. "Go so you can be back early. I have great plans for this place, Moony. We're going to make this place gorgeous!"

He groaned.

* * *

I ended up back on Privet Drive, staring at the completely innocuous house. My feet itched to move towards the door, but I forced them to stay planted 25 feet away. That didn't stop my mind from picturing Harry inside, gurgling with happiness, oblivious to pain, not realizing that Death had colored his life gray.

After Remus left, I had gone to a Muggle hardware store to buy some paint. Standing in between the rows and rows of paints, the tools large and small, I felt an energy bubble in me. Here there was only creation. There was no room for destruction in this brightly lit store. I wandered around for hours, ignoring the mounted stag heads and focusing on the arrangement of lamps and paints and hammers and dining tables and all these other wonderful things meant to transform a house to a home.

I chose a light, yellow color for the apartment, the shade of a sun glancing off a white flower petal, diffuse but radiant. When I came out of the store, my purchase in hand, I was supposed to Apparate back to Remus' place. The thought of sitting there, surrounded by poorly patterned flowers, just waiting for Remus to return was not appealing. If I'm being brutally honest with myself, that was just an excuse to go to see Harry, and that's how I found myself at Privet Drive, feeling pathetic and desperate.

I could just about make out Petunia walking around, cradling a child in her arms. I knew it wasn't Harry because of the smile on her face.  _Now Harry, please go get Harry,_ I prayed, knowing full well that she wouldn't pick him up unless it was necessary. Never just to hold him and feel his soft baby skin, so fragile and full of promise, against her cheek, or to feel his tiny arms wrap around her neck and his head with a down of messy hair rest on her shoulder. Still, I sat there, waiting. Waiting for what, I don't know. Drowned in grief though I was, I had enough common sense left to know that there was nothing in my life I would wait eagerly for again.

* * *

I think I would've sat there until dusk if Dumbledore hadn't shown up, a sigh all ready just for me. "What are you doing here, Swara?" he asked.

I didn't respond. What would I say?  _I'm trying to get a glimpse of my godson even though I know it's not going to happen, but I'm still here because you forced me to leave part of my heart that still pumps here and I hate you for it and I can't move my feet away and I want to barge in there and take Harry away and I want to save Sirius and Peter and I want to save Lily and James but I can't because I'm fucking powerless._

Dumbledore had a knack of finding answers even in silence, and I looked away from his knowing gaze. "Peter has been awarded an Order of Merlin, Second Class," he said after a pause.

I continued staring ahead. "I think he would like that," I choked out. Peter had always felt a little overshadowed by James and Sirius. It was time his skill and accomplishments were recognized.

"Yes, I think so too. The funeral is in two days at noon at the Ministry grounds," he said.

"Remus and I will be there," I promised.

Silence. I hesitantly asked, "Professor, what about Sirius?"

The second sigh. "Swara, Sirius is in Azkaban. You know this."

"Yes, I know. But he didn't do it, Professor," I said, adamantly. My Sirius would never betray James and Lily. He loved his best friend more than life itself.

I remembered one evening, a few weeks after they all went into hiding. We were in bed when he suddenly turned to me and said, "I would give up anything for James."

I had responded, "I know. I would do the same."

We never got a chance to prove that to him though.

I shook myself out of the past, focusing on Dumbledore's third sigh of the evening. "He confessed, Swara. Why else would he do that?"

"I don't know nor do I care. All I know is the truth, and that is that Sirius didn't betray James and Lily," I said.

"I'm sorry, Swara. I know you don't want to believe it, but he was the Secret Keeper and he confessed. For the sake of James' and Lily's memories, please don't pursue this," he advised.

At that, my anger knew no bounds. "For the sake of their memories? James and Lily would've supported me, they would never have believed Sirius would betray them! Imprisoning Sirius is not giving them justice, it is dishonoring their trust in Sirius and their friendship!"

He raised a hand, but I plowed on. "And how can you say that he's guilty? No one gave him Veritaserum, no one checked his wand for the last spell cast, YOU ALL JUST THREW HIM IN JAIL!"

"Swara, he confessed. There was no need for those measures. Under the law, he had to be jailed," he said softly.

I stilled. "The law? The law? Laws are man-made, Professor. There exists ethics and morals outside of law. And what happened to your great philosophy of providing second chances, huh? Or is that only reserved for Severus Snape," I said. "Compassion is the greatest truth. Something, it seems, that is lacking in all of you."

With that, I Apparated away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

The next morning, I woke up feeling queasy. Remus had laid out the plan last night, but I didn't know if Lily would be fooled by it, and I did not want to be on the receiving end of that wrath. I showered quickly, heading down to the common room before she woke up. The boys were surprisingly already down there. Sirius gave a huge grin when he saw me. "There she is!"

I was instantly suspicious. "What do you want?"

James had sidled up next to me, and he looked like a grinning wraith. "Nothing whatsoever, Swara. Can't we just be glad to see you?"

I looked between the two boys before settling my gaze on Remus. "Out with it, Lupin. What's going on?"

He ran his hand through that sandy hair sheepishly. "Well, Swara. We had a thought last night after you left."

I already didn't like where this was going. "Okay, what was it?" I asked with some trepidation.

"Well, we need to get the mandrake leaves from the greenhouses by tonight," he said slowly.

I was getting impatient. "Yes, I know that. What does that have to do with me?"

"I know we decided that James and Sirius would nick them, but they have detention tonight," he continued.

My heart sank. I knew what he was going to say next, and I shook my head. "No, no, no. Absolutely not!" I exclaimed, backing away.

"Oh come on, Swara! It's no big deal," James pleaded.

"No big deal? I'm not about to steal from Sprout! It's a felony!"

Sirius scoffed. "You were fine with it before when James and I were going to do it."

I glared at him. "That's because the two of you are basically criminals anyways. One more black dot on your record won't make a difference," I snapped.

"Ouch, that hurt, love," Sirius said.

I rolled my eyes. "No, I refuse. Why don't you ask Remus or Peter?"

They pushed me down onto the couch and sat next to me. "Because, dearest Swara, neither of them can lie to save their own skin. Besides, Peter has detention with us."

I raised a single eyebrow. "And you think I can?" My voice held warning in it.

James slung an arm around my shoulders. "Well, you won't need to," he said conspiratorially.

"What are you talking about? It's not like I can just waltz in there and grab them," I said.

"Oh yes you can. Know why? Because Bellamy's watching over the greenhouse this evening," Sirius said.

Andrew Bellamy was a fifth year Hufflepuff who was the best in our year at Herbology. "Why is Bellamy watching over it?"

James waved a hand. "For some professional experience or something. That's not what's important. What's important is that Bellamy will be there, not Sprout."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Okay, I still don't see what you're getting at. It's not like Bellamy, Herbology nut that he is, will let me take some valuable leaves right from under his nose."

I looked over at Remus, trying to alleviate my confusion, but he resolutely refused to look at me, and...was that a blush on his face?

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? You need to seduce him," Sirius said.

"WHAT?" I shouted. He instantly clasped a hand over my mouth.

"Shhh, do you want to wake up the entire House?" he said.

I shoved his hand away and stood up. "I can't believe you two! Using me as some kind of bait for Bellamy!" I said.

James was quick to defend himself. "Not bait. More like, a seductress. An enchantress, if you will."

I breathed through my nose. "I swear on Merlin's saggy trousers, James, if you and Sirius don't get out of my sight right now, I will rip up your Quidditch posters into little shreds and feed them to Fang!"

They bolted.

* * *

"I can't believe their nerve," I muttered as I stomped down the staircase. "There has to be another way."

Remus and Peter were following me, careful to keep their distance.

James and Sirius were already seated. I resolutely refused to look at them and instead started reading. I heard a heard a sigh from Remus before he sat down next to me. After the silence grew long, I peeked over the top of my book ( _Poetry of the 19_ _th_ _Century)_ and was greeted by an amusing sight. Remus was theatrically widening his eyes towards me, and James and Sirius were shaking their heads. I hid a smile before looking back down.

"Ahem," James coughed. I did nothing. "Ahem."

"What?" I snapped. He blanched and turned to Sirius who pretended to drop a piece of food on the ground and bent down to pick it up. "What do you want, James?"

"Um well..." He scratched his collar nervously. "We wanted to say sorry."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that so? I don't hear your partner in crime apologizing," I said.

James yanked Sirius up from under the table. He must've read the smile in my eyes because he instantly became the cocky bastard he is. "Please accept my deep and heartfelt apologies, O Munificent Lady," he said, bowing.

"Munificent, huh?" I said, recalling dinner last night when I taught these idiots what the word meant.

"Yup. See, I do listen to what you say, Swara," he said.

"Alright, alright. You don't need to kiss up. I forgive you," I said.

They cheered, but I held up a finger, halting their celebrations. "But, I will not seduce Bellamy. We can wait until tomorrow when you two don't have detention," I proposed.

"No, we can't do that. We're making the Draught today so the month of silence needs to start from today as well," Peter pointed out.

I resumed thinking. "What if Remus and I take the Cloak? Bellamy won't even need to know we're there," I suggested.

"Still won't work," Sirius piped up. "The door is locked, so you'll need to distract Bellamy so Remus can open the door without him noticing."

I groaned. They seemed to have thought of everything. "Why can't Remus distract him? They can talk about plants," I whined.

James and Sirius grinned, smelling a victory. Honestly, those two were like dogs. "Well, Remus knows what a mandrake looks like and-"

"I know what a mandrake looks like!" I interrupted hotly.

"And he knows how to get the leaf without the thing screaming bloody murder," Sirius finished.

I was silent. "I hate you all," I said finally.

They whooped, and I despondently started reading again with an additional stressor on my mind.

"Come on, we don't want to be late for Potions," Remus said, tugging me up.

I didn't like Potions. I was pretty good at it, but it was so boring and dry. Read the instructions and make the potion. Snape and Lily were the true Potions prodigies, and they always sat together with me and Alissa Cervantes, a Ravenclaw and another Potions great. The boys took their seats behind us, and I could practically feel James bouncing in excitement.

"Let's get started, everyone," Slughorn called. The chatter died down, and we all looked expectantly towards the portly Professor. "As you all know, today we will be brewing the Draught of Living Death, a notoriously trick potion. Whoever brews the best potion will receive a little prize from me, which will be disclosed later. You will find the instructions on page 56 of your text. Begin," he instructed. I pulled out some boomslang skin and starting cutting it up. I had just finished adding the pieces to the cauldron when I felt a kick on my chair. That was the signal.

I leaned towards Lily. "So, who's going to win this time? You or Severus?" I teased.

She laughed. "Well, seeing as Sev is three steps ahead of me, probably him."

Severus smiled at her. Just then, James called out, "No way is Snape going to beat me, Lily-flower!" Snape's smile dropped.

Lily turned around, and once again, I was astounded by James' invisible armor that protected him from that glare. "You think you can brew a better potion than Sev? You? Do you even know what the potion does, Potter?"

James grinned. "I don't need to know what it does. I just need to win."

Remus snorted, and James turned to him. "What, you don't think I can do it, Remus?"

Remus looked to him calmly. "James, Severus is first in our class in Potions. You can barely spell Draught."

I resisted a smile. Remus' inner mischief-maker always surprised me. As planned, Sirius jumped into the argument. "No way can James make a better potion than me!"

One by one, they all got into an argument, and I struggled to hide my grin from Lily, who was turning redder and redder every minute.

I turned around, narrowing my eyes. "Will you four shut up! Some people are trying to work on this blasted potion!"

Sirius smoothly jumped in. "Alright, Swara. We'll stop arguing if you join the bet."

"What bet?" I said, careful to make my voice confused.

James smiled. "See, Sirius, Peter, and Remus are doubting my Potions prowess. I have challenged all three to a bet. Care to join?"

I scoffed. "You're all idiots. No, I don't want to join your stupid crusade."

"Oh come on, Swara! We'll even let you come up with the terms!" Peter cajoled.

I hesitated. "Anything I want?"

They nodded enthusiastically. "Anything."

I pretended to be thinking it over. "Alright fine," I said. The boys whooped and cheered.

Lily immediately turned to me, aghast. "Swara, what are you doing? Why are you indulging them?"

"Because, if I win, they have to follow the terms, which  _I_ get to set. So, basically, they'll have to do what I want, whatever I want," I said.

"What if you don't win?" Lily pointed out.

Now, it was my turn to look aghast. "What, you actually think that one of those dolts could brew a better potion than me? Where's your faith, Lily?"

"What about Remus?" she demanded. "He could win."

"Not a chance!"

"So what are the terms, Swara?" Sirius interjected.

I smiled evilly. "A month of silence."

"What?" James asked.

I repeated, "A month of silence. A month of honest, much-needed escape from your ugly voices. The four losers will have to keep quiet for an entire month."

James grinned manically, and Sirius said, "You're on, love."

The plan was coming together.

* * *

Sure enough, an hour later, Remus emerged victorious. I was duly remonstrated by Lily for being careless ("Honestly, Swara, it's like you become more of an idiot hanging out with them! And Potter's fat ego is rubbing off on you too!") but it was worth it.

At the end of the day, I skipped over to the table for dinner, my four favorite people already waiting for me with large smiles. "Are you ready, Swara? Bellamy is starting his shift after dinner," Remus said.

My smile instantly dropped. I had forgot about that part of the plan. "Oh don't tell me you're getting cold feet now, dear Swara? Poor Bellamy will be devastated," Sirius joked, miming a sword to the heart.

I groaned. "Shut up, you ass," I said, swatting him on the head.

"Hey!" he fixed me with a glare.

I rolled my eyes. "I apologize, my liege. Please forgive me for messing up your luxurious hair, carved out of the midnight sky," I said, sarcasm oozing from my voice.

He stuck his tongue out at me, and I replied in kind. He retaliated by poking his tongue out further, and I did the same. Soon, it became a contest to see who had the longest tongue. James, Remus, and Peter looked between us, James openly laughing, Remus grumbling something about being best mates with fools, and Peter placing a bet on whose tongue is longest.

Sirius' eyes bulged out as he tried to force his tongue out, but I had him beat. My tongue rolled to the bottom of my chin, and he stared at me, disgruntled. "I win," I said, smugly.

"Yeah, yeah. You won a tongue competition. Big achievement," he grumbled.

I laughed. "Oh please, Black. You're just jealous."

Suddenly, there was a smirk on his face, and the warning bells went off in my head. "Jealous, no, no, love. I'm merely contemplating the things you can do with that long tongue of yours." His voice was low and sultry enough that the innuendo was not lost on me or the others.

I felt my face warm, and James whooped. My glare shut him right up. Sirius continued, "Feel free to give me a demonstration anytime."

I punched him in the shoulder. "Ass."

He laughed, winking at me. "Your ass though, right? Because I would love-"

"SIRIUS!" He ran away, still laughing.

_Bloody git._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

Remus was home, munching on a plate of cookies. "Hey," he said. I could tell by the crease in his forehead that the job hunting hadn't gone well.

"Bad, huh?" I asked, swiping a cookie, my voice light.

He sighed. "I'll try again tomorrow."

I waited for him to elaborate, to tell me what happened, but he never did. Moony had always been more reserved, but he never hesitated to tell us anything. When did things become so different? What happened to those late night promises to never drift away?

Suddenly, I wanted to cry.

"So, do I want to see the paint color you got?" he joked.

I smiled lightly at him. "I don't know, Moony. Your eyes may be blinded by its brilliance!" I said. In two days, we had fallen into the habit of hiding our sorrows under humor. I wondered how long it would take for the mountain to crumble.

He chuckled lightly. Out of nowhere, I saw James on the couch, covering his eyes mockingly, shouting, "It's too glorious, Swara! The paint color is too heavenly for this world!"

I started, and Remus looked at me in concern. "Are you alright?"

I stared transfixed at the spot on the couch where, in my mind, James was laughing just a moment ago. "I...I swear I could see..." I trailed off, my breathing getting heavier.

Remus, bless his soul, seemed to understand. Thankfully, he didn't mention it, instead choosing to rummage in the bag. He pulled out the paint can and appraised it.

"Hmm, looks like I underestimated your paint-choosing prowess."

I stuck my tongue out. "Told you it would be brilliant."

Remus stood up and stretched his arms. "Well, I guess we better get started. Don't want you to have to ruin your precious eyesight looking at this, what did you call it, malicious floral wallpaper from Satan's grandmother's house?"

I smiled sheepishly. "Well, you have to admit, I am right."

"Debatable, Swara. Debatable."

I threw a pillow at him. "If you like it so much, Granny's boy, then why don't you keep it?"

"Because you don't like it." The answer was simple. I stared at him, at this ridiculously sweet and caring man, my only family in the world. His brown eyes were a well of sincerity. How many times had I been comforted by these same eyes?

"Why are you so good, Moony?" I whispered.

He gave a shrug. Remus never could take a compliment. "You're my friend, Swara. You're my family."

I continued staring. "You know these walls aren't going to paint themselves," he added.

I smiled. "Let's see if painting is another skill of yours, Lupin."

"You're on, Patel."

An hour later, the flat was painted and lighter because of it. Remus made pasta, and we were eating when I blurted out, "I met Dumbledore today."

He paused, fork in midair. "I don't think that Sirius betrayed James and Lily. Just, just hear me out," I added hastily when I saw him open his mouth, a belligerent look on his normally placid face.

Remus let out a heavy sigh, and I took it as a sign to continue. "Ignore the facts for a second, Moony. Just think about Sirius, about Padfoot. Do you truly think he would sell out James and Lily?"

"It doesn't matter what I think, Swara. He was the only one-"

I cut him off. "Ignore the facts, Moony," I repeated firmer. "Think about Sirius, the boy you know, your friend, your brother. Don't think about Sirius Black, son of Orion Black."

His face sagged under the weight of the cheerful memories of another era. I saw the uncertainty seep into his eyes. Remus was always the practical one in the group, and I knew he was trying to reconcile mass murderer Sirius Black with the Padfoot he had known.

"A lot changed since we left Hogwarts, Swara," he reasoned, but there was confusion in his voice.

"Oh really? Did the 4 years since Hogwarts change Sirius' love for James? For Harry? Did it alter his hatred of his family and Death Eaters?" I bit back scathingly.

He didn't respond, and I ranted on. "How could you even entertain the idea that he would betray his friends? Did your friendship mean nothing? Was he not the one who always had a box of your favorite chocolates in his bookbag? Was he not the one that saved Lily's life 7th year? Was he not the one that doted on Harry?" I was screaming at this point, but I didn't care. My heart was ripping. I couldn't believe that, in 4 short years, our three friends were dead, my godson orphaned, and Remus was doubting Sirius' love. How had things gone so wrong?

We had thought we were invincible. We had thought nothing could break us apart. Look at us now. Fate was cruel.

Remus looked alarmed at my outburst. I calmed down. "Do you know what he said to me one night? We were in bed. I was just on the verge of sleep. Suddenly, Sirius turns to me. He says, 'There is nothing I wouldn't do for James.' That was it. Nothing more. But it told me everything. He would kill himself if it protected James. For James' safety and happiness, no price was too high. Does that sound like a man who sold his brother to Voldemort?"

Remus still had no answer. I got up and went over to him. Grasping his hands, I begged, "Please Moony. He's suffering for a crime he didn't commit. Believe me. Believe him."

I sat there for a long time, searching for some sign of acceptance in his eyes. There was nothing. He gently tugged his hands out of mine. "It's late, Swara. We should get some sleep."

With that, he stood up and went to the bathroom. I slumped against the sofa, the soft brown fabric absorbing my tears.

In the bathroom, the water ran for a long time, hiding the sound of Remus' sobs from my ears, but I heard them anyway in my heart. They echoed my own.

The next morning, I awoke with the Sun. I padded outside the room, hoping to catch Remus before he left to hunt for work, but the apartment was empty.

"Remus?" I called out, checking the bathroom. No answer. He had left already.

Pretending that didn't sting, I slowly and robotically munched on my cereal, trying to avoid thinking about the argument from last night but failing.

I wandered aimlessly around the village for hours after that, watching the Muggles. I caught sight of some poorly disguised wizards and witches as well, one in an 1800s Victorian dress that caught quite a few strange looks. In another time, I would've laughed at the sight.

No matter how unresolved last night's argument was, I was determined to try again. I would not abandon Sirius. I would not let Moony continue to think that one of his dearest friends had destroyed his family.

They were the last two remnants of my family, and I refused to let them go so easily. Even Harry. Once I got Remus on my side about Sirius, I would convince him that Harry should stay with us. We could live in the flat together: me, Sirius, Remus, and Harry.

I imagined Harry's excited squeals of "Mausi" when we went to get him from Petunia. The years flew by in my imagination, and suddenly, I was on Platform 9 ¾ , waving goodbye to Harry with Sirius and Remus next to me. Harry, older now, was dancing with his bride (also red-head because that was the Potter men's weakness) as Sirius and I twirled next to him. Remus and a mystery lady smiled happily at each other.

Caught up in my imagination, I failed to realize when the Sun dipped past the horizon. With the cold nipping at my ears, I rushed back home, hoping that Remus had prepared something warm for dinner.

"I'm so sorry, Remus! I went for a walk and lost track of time!" I apologized the instant I stepped through the door, hanging my coat up on the rack. I turned around, expecting to see a relieved Moony, but the apartment was as empty and when I left it.

"Moony?" I called out. No answer. It was 7; he should've been back by now.

"Stop. He's fine, he's just running a little late," I told myself. I strode towards the kitchen and started cooking. 30 minutes later, a large bowl of fettucine alfredo sat in front of me, the aroma filling the flat, but still no Remus.

Then, a knock on the door. Finally. I ran towards the entrance and threw open the door, but it wasn't Remus perpetually weary face smiling at me. It was Dumbledore, and he was not smiling.

"Professor? What are you doing here? Where's Remus? Oh god, is he alright? Did something happen?"

Luckily, Dumbledore held up a hand. "Remus is fine," he said, and the horrifying image of him beaten and bloody and dead left my mind.

I breathed. "Thank Merlin. Where is he, then?"

"May I come in?" he asked.

I stepped aside to let him inside. Dumbledore looked around the room before turning back to me. "What's the matter, Professor? Is this about Sirius, or Harry?"

"No. My dear, Remus has found employment," he said.

My lips parted in their first smile since Halloween. "That's great news! Is that where he is now? Where is he working?"

Dumbledore looked at me with the same gently sympathy I'd been seeing on his face too many times recently, and my skin chilled. "My dear, I'm afraid the employment opportunity is not in Britain."

"What? Where is it?"

He wouldn't meet my gaze, and that's when I knew. Remus had left too.

"No no no no no...he would never...he wouldn't..." the words refused to come out.

Dumbledore finally put me out of my misery. "I'm sorry, Swara. Here, he's left me a letter for you." Reaching into his purple robes, he pulled out a piece of parchment that was evidently the only goodbye I was going to get from my last friend.

Numbly, I reached out to take it. "I'll be going now, Swara. Please know my door is always open to you." The words were kind, but this was coming from a man who refused to let me see my godson, who refused to listen to my words about Sirius, and how had now knowingly let Remus leave me. I said nothing, and he let himself out.

I opened the letter. It was short.

Dear Swara,

I'm sorry. I know you are upset. I know I said we would be each other's family. I'm sorry for letting you down. London was stifling me. Yesterday, I did go looking for work, but halfway through the day, I stopped. I couldn't stop thinking about them. The people who accepted me, who loved me, were gone, and the memories of our time at Hogwarts were drowning me in sorrow. I can't be here anymore, always thinking about the past and the what ifs. You're strong, Swara. I know you'll move on with your life without me.

Be happy.

Love,

Moony

I read the letter a few times until the anger consumed me. I shredded it to pieces, fuming. It was too hot. It was too hot in this apartment which suddenly felt too big. I went out to the balcony and watched my breath dissipate. He felt stifled? What about me? Did I not feel the same way? How could he just leave?

I stormed inside and grabbed a piece of paper and a quill.

Remus,

I cannot believe you left in such a cheap, underhanded way. Yes, you let me down! We're more than friends, we're family! Family doesn't mean you just leave whenever you want! We were supposed to do this together, Remus! What did you think, that the past doesn't haunt my every step, my every thought? That I wasn't plagued by the what-could've-beens? You're a coward, Remus Lupin. You left me, you left Harry, you left Sirius to rot in jail when your heart knows there's more to the story. You didn't even stay for the funerals. The Moony I know would never have done such a thing. My Moony fed me meals when I was in the Hospital Wing. My Moony stayed up all night with me the night my parents died! How could you, Remus? Why didn't you tell me? Since when did you stop confiding in me? When did we grow so far apart?

There were blots where I had pressed the quill too hard. I sent Helen off with the letter, hoping that she pecked him to pieces. I locked the apartment and Apparated to Privet Drive.

The lights were off. The Dursleys had gone to sleep. With a quick Alohomora, I stole up the stairs to the bedrooms. There, in the rusty crib, Harry was sleeping. I lifted him up, careful not to wake him. The scar was more prominent in the moonlight, but it did not take away from the peace that softened his face in sleep.

"Just you and me, Harry. It's just you and me now." I pressed a kiss to his forehead before stealing out the door again.

I looked at the innocuous house, no different from the ones next to it other than the fact that it housed the Boy Who Lived, son of my best friends. With one last look, I Apparated away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

I grimaced as Peter's elbow jabbed me in the stomach.

"Okay, Swara. You remember the plan yes?" James' anxious voice came from above me.

I looked up at him. "I distract Bellamy long enough for Remus to get the leaves and get out. And when he's successful, you all owe me chocolate," I said.

A nervous chuckle came from Remus who was situated to my left. I was glad to see I was not the only one who looked queasy. Honestly, how the two upstanding and "moral" members of this crew ended up with this job was beyond me.

I couldn't see him, but I knew James was rolling his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. You will be appropriately compensated."

"Man, I wish I could stay to see this," Sirius said wistfully. "Remus, you have to tell me exactly what happens and how our dear Swara flirts with Bellamy."

I aimed an elbow above and heard a satisfying "Ow!". "Get your arses out of here," I said to James, Peter, and Sirius. With a salute, they left, and Remus and I were left alone.

"I don't suppose we could just Stun him and take the leaves?" I asked hopefully.

"I think that goes against the secrecy of the mission," he replied.

I groaned and slumped against his arm. "I guess I should go then. And don't waste time, Remus. I want to limit this interaction as much as possible," I warned.

He gave me a thumbs up, and I walked out from behind the stone wall. Luckily, the grounds were empty, the other students having left to eat dinner. Bellamy was the sole figure by the greenhouses, his bumblebee bright scarf prominent against his tan skin.

Hearing my footsteps, he looked up. "Swara?"

I raised a hand. "Hi, Be-Clark. Hi, Clark."  _Way to go, idiot! Use his first name!_

"What are you doing here?"

"Um...I was wondering...are you...I actually wanted to talk about...plants," I finished lamely. I didn't blame him for looking downright confused and suspicious.

"Plants?"

I rubbed the back of my head. Merlin, my face felt like it was burning. "I really admire your skill in Herbology."

He still looked incredulous. "You do? I didn't think you were particularly fond of the subject."

This wasn't working at all.  _Okay, Swara. Think enchantress. Channel your inner temptress. Come on._ "That's because I don't have your skill, Clark," I fawned, resisting the urge to gag. "I think it's...special."

There! There it was! A light blush on his cheeks. Drunk with victory, I beamed at him, and his blush deepened. "Well, um, thanks, Swara." I saw the flash of an ankle behind Bellamy. Remus.

I waved my hand flippantly. "Oh don't thank me. You know, a lot of boys here think Herbology is lame and stupid. They don't appreciate healing and nurturing. You understand the importance of it. I like that about you."

"Well, I could show you a few things, if you want. Some tricks of the trade," he said as he turned around to enter the greenhouse.

"Wait! You have really nice...feet!" I shouted desperately. The moment the words left my lips, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. Bellamy paused and looked back at me, probably thinking I was the oddest, weirdest dolt to exist.

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

There was no backing out now. "Um...I like your feet. They're nicely formed, you know. Not too wide or narrow of course if they were too wide or narrow that wouldn't be a problem because we should accept all feet types but yours are particularly appealing and your feet just happen to be perfectly proportional like your lips oh my god I'm just going to shut up now sorry."

There was nothing more to say that could rescue my dignity from the depths of hell where it had just fallen after that diatribe. I stared at Bellamy, and he stared at me. All around, there was a lot of staring going on.  _Merlin why did you say that about his lips! Now he's going to think you want to snog him!_

He rubbed his face. "I appreciate that, Swara. But I don't like you like that."

I swear, if my jaw wasn't attached to my face, it wouldn't been at my feet. He continued, "I'm actually dating Cynthia Lorten." She was a Hufflepuff the year above us.

I saw a flash of a thumbs up from behind me before it disappeared. Remus was done. "That's nice, Clark. I actually don't like you either." Hearing how that came out, I backtracked. "I mean, I like you but not like that. I hope I didn't bother you too much."

As I turned to leave, he said, "Not at all. It was actually highly entertaining."

I looked back with a smile. "I'm glad you found amusement in my babble. You know, you're a good bloke, Bellamy. See you around."

I walked back to the entrance where Remus was waiting for me with a smirk on his lips. "Don't even think about it," I warned.

We walked up the staircase together in silence until he spoke. "You know, I think today was a great day. A productive day."

I grumbled something about shoving the productivity up his arse, and he laughed. "Not to mention, I got a front row seat to your conversation with Bellamy. Is that what you call seducing?" he teased.

"As if you could do better, Lupin! And besides, we got what we wanted," I huffed.

"Oh yes. A month of silence. I honestly can't wait," he said, a dream-like quality in his voice.

We had arrived at the Common Room. James, Sirius, and Peter were still in detention, but Lily was there. "Where were you, Swara?" she asked.

"Um. I was outside, taking a walk. Then I saw Bellamy and we got to chatting," I said. Remus, obviously reminiscing about the content of the chat, started to laugh but covered it deftly with a cough when Lily shot him a suspicious look.

"Since when were you friends with Bellamy?" she asked.

I threw my hands up. "I'm not friends with him. He was just standing there, and we struck up a conversation. Why is this a big deal?" I said, my voice getting progressively louder.

"Alright, alright. Calm down. Are you all still doing the month of silence?" Lily changed the subject.

"Yes. And please don't lecture me about how stupid I was, Lily," I pleaded.

She pursed her lips but nodded. "Okay. I brought you some food from dinner. I'm going to the library to work on the Potions essay with Sev. See you later," she waved.

Remus and I went up to the boy's dormitories. I sat down and tore into the sandwich Lily left for me while Remus munched on some chocolate. "By the way, you owe me chocolate," I said in between bites.

He rolled his eyes and was about to respond but the door slammed open. James, Sirius, and Peter tumbled inside, all questions and smiles.

"Remus, did you get the leaves?"

"Was it hilarious?"

"What did her face look like? Oh Merlin, what did Bellamy say?"

"SHUT IT!" This was from me. "Yes, we got the leaves. Can we get on with the instructions?"

I was on James' bed, and he sat down next to me, loping an arm around my shoulders. "Oh come on, Swara! Don't ruin our fun!"

I gave him my best Lily-glare, but it apparently wasn't good enough because it had no effect on him. He turned his attention to Remus. "Tell us, Remus. After cleaning out flobberworm mucus, I need something to laugh about."

Sirius nodded his head in agreement.

"Don't you dare, Remus," I threatened.

He ignored me. "I have one word for you: feet."

I lunged towards him, shouting, "I swear, if you say a word-umph!" James grabbed me and pulled me back towards him. He sat me down practically in his lap and grabbed my arms so I couldn't move.

"Now, now, now, Swara. Attacking our friends is bad," he mock-admonished.

"Shut up," I grumbled.

Sirius, always eager to aggravate me, sat next to James and rubbed my head. "Now what's this about feet?"

"Well, it seems as though Swara has a bit of a foot fetish," Remus said, that insufferable smirk still on his face.

"I'LL KILL YOU, LUPIN!" I shouted, reaching for him. "THIS IS A BETRAYAL OF THE DEEPEST KIND!" James somehow kept his hold on me even though he was howling, and I dimly registered Sirius' bark-like laughter. Even Peter was chuckling.

"A foot fetish? I expected better from you, Swara," Peter said.

"I don't have a foot fetish," I whined. "That was an accident!"

"What did you do...ask to see his feet!" Sirius gasped out, still laughing too hard to form words.

I looked away from him, staring resolutely at the wall. "Oh come on, Swara. I need details!" James pleaded. "You can't leave me hanging by my...feet!"

A new wave of laughter. I stuck my elbow back into his stomach, and he gasped in pain.

"He was about to go into the greenhouse while I was still there, so she blurted out that she liked his feet because they were perfectly formed and proportional like his lips," Remus finished the tale of my humiliation.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SNOG HIM! OH MERLIN!" Sirius practically squealed. James' face was too purple to get words out, and Peter had disappeared behind the bed.

"I DIDN'T SAY THAT!" I shouted. "I MERELY MADE A HIGHLY IMPERSONAL OBSERVATION ABOUT HIS LIPS!"

James had finally recovered enough to get a few words out. "You told him that his lips are perfect. What else is he supposed to think?"

I turned back to look at him. "I said his feet were perfect too. Doesn't mean I wanted to snog them!"

Remus, traitorous bastard that he was, stayed silent throughout the exchange though his eyes belied his amusement.

"Well, not to worry, boys, because Bellamy was not interested in our Swara like that," he said, dropping the last morsel of information in front of these rabid mongrels.

Peter re-emerged from his hide-out, his eyes wide and lined with tears. "Oh my god, Swara, did he actually say that to you?"

I glared at him. "No, he didn't. Okay, maybe he did, but so what? It's not like I liked him either!"

"Love, the goal of the mission was to seduce him," Sirius piped up.

"Shut up, Black. The goal of the mission was the get the damned leaves, which we did, so let's put them in our mouths so you all can shut up!" My suggestion went unheeded as James turned to Sirius, a curious look on his face.

"You know, Swara, you need to get more experience," he stated.

My face burned, and I resisted the urge to hide it behind my hands. "WHY ARE WE DISCUSSING THIS RIGHT NOW?"

"Aw, the little baby has no experience with boys, does she?" Sirius mocked. I threw a pillow at his hair.

"We are not talking about my non-existent love life right now. And as if any of you have experience with girls!" I said. "And no, the one date with Isadora does not count!" I added as James opened his mouth.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because it was one date! And Isadora thought Remus asked her, not you!" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Remus turn the color of a tomato. Good, serves him right.

"Well, at least I have snogging experience!" James retaliated.

"He has you there, Swara," Sirius remarked in a lazy drawl.

"Contrary to your belief, I have snogged before," I threw back at him.

Sirius lifted an eyebrow. "Really? With who?" he asked.

"That's none of your damn business, Black!" I snapped at him, but by now, all four boys were looking at me curiously.

"Oh, come on, Swara. You have to tell us. We're your best friends!" Peter whined.

I snorted. " _I_ don't  _have_  to do anything, Peter. Besides, Lily already knows, and there was no way I was telling you four."

"That's not fair! How come Lily gets to know!" James added.

I shoved him. "Because Lily wouldn't make it a big deal."

"Was it Bellamy? Is that why you know about this 'perfect' lips?" Sirius asked, that infernal smirk still on his face.

"No, it wasn't Bellamy."

"Gregory?"

"No."

"Joseph?"

"No."

"Oh, I bet it was Edmund!"

"Who the hell is Edmund?"

"He's that tall Ravenclaw. 6th year. He has really blue eyes," James said.

"Nope, it wasn't him. Now, instead of you all trying to guess all night, can we please get on with the leaves?" I pleaded, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice.

Sirius was starting to look suspicious, and I needed us to move past this topic. If they knew my first kiss was a Slytherin, they would all go ballistic, but Sirius most of all.

"Right-o, but don't think that you're getting off the hook. I have an extremely good memory, Swara," James warned, putting his hand out for the leaves.

Remus tugged a small pouch out of his pocket, depositing it in James' expectant palm. "Here. Now please put them in your mouth so I can get a month of much-needed peace."

"Hey! That's low, mate, that's low," Sirius said.

"Just for that comment, Remus, I won't be sharing my chocolate with you," I huffed. "Which I'm expecting all four of you to get me by the end of the week, by the way."

They all groaned, and Remus muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "As if you share anyway" but I decided to ignore it.

"So what happens if we don't stay silent for a month?" Peter asked, scratching the back of his neck.

"You develop sores on your tongue that ooze pus, and it toxins from the leaves render you incapable of magic," James said solemnly.

"WHAT?" Peter shouted. An ashy look came over his face, and the poor boy looked ready to vomit until he saw James' expression.

"I hate you, Potter," he grumbled.

I snatched the bag from James. "Let's get this over with. Here's to not talking to you sods for a month," I said, delicately placing two leaves under my tongue. It tasted bitter, and I could already anticipate the horrid taste it would have in a month.

Peter was next. James and Sirius, of course, had to be dramatic.

"Oh, James, how will I ever live without talking to you for a month?" Sirius cried, pretending to faint.

"Sirius, darling, don't worry. In a month, we'll be together again!" James declared. I saw Sirius about to respond, but I shoved two leaves in his mouth before he had a chance to demonstrate his penchant for being a total drama queen again.

He glared at me, and I raised the middle finger. James finally put the leaves in his mouth.

I glanced at Remus who, no matter how excited he pretended to be at a month of respite, had a look of affection on his face. A shadow crossed over though, and I knew he was thinking about the risks and trouble we were taking for him.

Nimbly jumping over the piles of dirty socks (and red Snitch underwear), I sat next to Remus, giving him a quiet smile. The others seemed to catch on, and all of the sudden, three grown boys were launching themselves towards us.

Fighting the urge to scream, I scooched towards the edge, practically pushing Remus off. I was only partly successful and ended up with a pile of three people landing on my legs.

They shot me contrite glances and wrapped Remus and I in a hug. The future would bring its troubles and uncertainties, but at least we had this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

I had always hated the Ministry headquarters. It was too dark, too gloomy for my taste. The Department of Mysteries was worse. It was as if they had decided that to fit the name, the place had to be lined with black brick and filled with smoke.

Marcia Fletcher, Head of the Unspeakables, was sitting across from me, a frown on her face. "I'm sorry, do you or do you not want to continue working, Swara?"

I sighed, rubbing my face. "Look Marcia, I'd like a leave of absence. I just don't think I can focus on work right now."

"But you want to come back eventually?"

"Yes."

"When?"

I hesitated, not sure of the answer myself. "I'm not sure. A year, two years?"

A perfectly groomed eyebrow shot up. "That's an awfully long leave of absence, Swara."

"Please, Marcia. I need the time away, but I love my job here. I just don't think I'll be a good addition to the team right now," I pleaded.

My boss softened and gave me a small smile. "Well, I can't put you down for a leave of absence that long, but I can say you are working remotely for a couple of years."

"That'd be wonderful, Marcia! Thank you!" I smiled widely at her, and she laughed.

"Don't worry about it. I don't want to lose my best worker, after all. But you will have to be working on something. That's the only way I can justify this."

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I will. I'll keep you updated on the progress."

We both stood up, and she walked over to me, locking me in a tight hug. "Take as much time as you need to heal."

I dumbly nodded, touched by her affection and concern. Marcia and I were friends but not the kind that spent time together outside of work. It was warming to see that I still had people who cared about me.

After we broke away, I walked towards my office. Although the floor had no windows (another thing to keep up the Unspeakable image), there was artificial sunlight at one end of the hall. Apparently, working in dark conditions is not good for employee morale. Naturally, I chose my office to be close to this magical sunlight. As I rounded the corner, I saw the soft golden light hitting my closed door.

Everything looked the same. I guess that's what was most surprising. After everything had changed, not a file was out of place in my office. The silver pen Remus gave me was still on the table where I had hastily left it last time. The cactus, a gift from James ("You should have a gift that matches your personality, Swara!"), loomed in the corner where I had shoved it upon receiving it. The three photographs had a small layer of dust on it that I quickly wiped off.

From the first, smiling up at me with his gums was baby Harry at 3 months. I watched as he giggled, the sound imprinted in my heart. The second was a picture of my parents and I, out at dinner. And the last was of a lazy morning under the tree at Hogwarts. I gathered all the pictures, files, records of my research, the cactus, the pen, and everything else before I Evanesco-ed them to a safe place.

I walked out of the room, face to face with the magical sunlight again. It was an extraordinary piece of magic. Marcia had invented the spell herself, and I wished she had told me the incantation. We could all use a little light in our lives.

I Apparated to Ottery St. Catchpole, location of my new residence. After what had happened, there was no way I was going to live in Remus' apartment. Staying in my first apartment was out of the question. The scent of Sirius still lingered there.

Though I wasn't going to live in either, I couldn't sell them. There were too many memories associated with both that I decided to keep them. Merlin knows I have enough money for it anyways.

But Ottery St. Catchpole was nice. Quaint. A kind of place I'd always wanted to live, surrounded by nature rather than tall buildings fighting for space. There was peace here.

I had brought over my stuff from the London apartment. I had packed Sirius' stuff in boxes because, although I couldn't bear to see evidence of the life he had that was taken away, I couldn't leave memories of him behind. I left Remus' stuff in his apartment, hoping against reason that he'd come back and need to use it. I did nick his blanket though. It was warm and smelled so distinctly Remus (a mix of chocolate and cinnamon), that I couldn't resist.

It didn't take long to set up the new place. Magic was useful like that, and within a couple of hours, I had a furnished house.

 _Knock-knock-knock._ I tensed, a result of years of vigilance. "Hello, dear! I'm your neighbor, Sara Diggory!"

Diggory. There was a Diggory at the Ministry. Could this be his wife? After all, Diggory is not a common surname. I opened the door. Mrs. Diggory was a short woman with a gentle smile.

"Hello, dear. I'm Sara. Perhaps you know my husband, Amos?"

"Ah yes! Hello, Mrs. Diggory. I didn't know there were magical families in this area!" I exclaimed, pleased at the discovery. "Please come in."

She beamed, and that's when I noticed the small child clinging to her legs. Oh, he was adorable. I crouched down. "And who might you be?"

He hid his face in his mother's skirt, and she laughed. "Cedric, say hello to Ms. Patel."

His face peeked out. "Hello, Ms. Patel."

I laughed. "He's very sweet, Mrs. Diggory."

She smiled the smile of a proud parent. I led them to the living room. "Yes, he's a true gentleman, my Cedric."

"Are there other magical families in the area?" I asked, passing her some tea as well as cookies for Cedric.

"No, we're the only ones. The Weasleys don't live too far from here though. Cedric and their two eldest play sometimes, although it's been a while since we've been able to make a trip." I read the subtext. Because of Voldemort, it had been a while.

I had fond memories of Arthur Weasley from my first couple of years at Hogwarts. He was so curious about Muggles and was not afraid to show it.

"That's nice. I knew Arthur in Hogwarts. I hear he works in the Ministry as well?"

"Oh yes," she said, wiping Cedric's mouth, "He's in the Muggle Artifact Use and Misuse Office. What about you, Swara? What do you do as an Unspeakable?"

"Well, if I could tell you, it wouldn't really be called Unspeakable, would it?" I joked.

We laughed. This felt nice. Peaceful and…domestic in a way that I had never experienced.

My attention drifted over to Cedric. He was only a few years older than Harry, and I felt the familiar pang in my chest as I thought of my godson.

"Alright, Swara. I'll leave you to get settled in. This one needs his nap as well," Sara said, getting up to leave.

"Of course. I wouldn't want little Ced to miss his nap," I said, grinning down at the boy. Cedric gave me a shy smile. "Please visit again though, Sara. This was nice."

"Oh I will. I don't think I can keep Cedric away from those cookies of yours."

We hugged, and I gave Cedric a kiss on the cheek before they left.

Glancing at the clock, I saw there were still a few hours until supper. Dumbledore would be in his office at this time. I grabbed my wand and Apparated, appearing in Hogsmeade a few seconds later.

Grasping at the brick wall, I steadied my balance. Probably due to my asthma, I was never able to Apparate without having to take a few seconds after to recover from the feeling of being squeezed through a tube at high velocities.

Brooms were so much better.

I had not visited Hogsmeade in years. Surveying the bright lights and laughter around me, so different from the suspicious glances and early closing times from my 6th and 7th year, I was once again reminded that I should be celebrating Voldemort's demise, as the rest of the Wizarding World was.

Raucous laughter from the Three Broomsticks and the out-of-tune singing I could hear, the gentle fall of snow, the cobbled walkways, all these were reminders of Hogwarts, of friendship, of happiness. How many times had we walked these very streets, holding up a sloshed Sirius and laughing loudly?

I wiped away the snowflakes from my cheeks only to find tears instead.

 _Pull yourself together this instant, Swara. You're meeting Dumbledore._ I took in a deep breath and walked on, determinedly looking away from the bustling shops.

The gate was open, and I practically ran to the entrance, waving quickly to Hagrid.

"Where'd ye think yer going?" came a nasally voice. Ugh. That voice I could recognize in my dreams. Filch.

"I have a meeting with the Headmaster," I replied, staring the caretaker right in his squinted eyes.

Those same eyes widened when he got a good look at me. "You! Why've you come back, eh? To cause more trouble?" he shouted.

I stared at him coolly. "As I said, I have a meeting with the Headmaster."

"I'll be damned if you do! This is another elaborate prank of yours, more likely!"

"Listen, Filch. I have a meeting with Dumbledore, and he'll be upset if I'm late. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going." I made to walk away, but he grabbed my hand.

I looked down at the offending limb. "Release me, or you'll regret it."

"What you're going to hex me?" he challenged. "You ain't going nowhere until the Headmaster says you're telling the truth!"

"I'm not going to hex you, but don't be surprised if the students find out that the scary Mr. Filch is a Squib," I threatened.

He paled. I could see the cogs working in his mind, evaluating the validity of the threat. "I hope you haven't forgotten the time when my mates and I strung your knickers up for the whole hall to see."

The effect was instantaneous. "Get away with you!"

I smiled to myself, giving him a sardonic wave before setting off towards Dumbledore's office.

The impressive knocker greeted me. "Lemon pop," I tried. Nothing. "Cockroach Cluster." No change. "Strawberry sherbet." "Chocolate frog." It moved finally, and the stairs rotated. I was face to face with the door, and suddenly, I felt choked, as if water was filling in my lungs. Everything, everything depended on this conversation.

I knocked. "Professor Dumbledore, it's Swara."

There was silence on the other end, and I wondered if perhaps I had miscalculated. Maybe Dumbledore was out somewhere, but then I heard, "Come in, dear."

The office was the same as when I saw it 7th year. There were some more knick-knacks, but that was usual in his office. Fawkes was perched on the stand, looking at me with curiosity.

"What can I do for you, Swara?" Dumbledore asked.

I sat down across from him, instantly regretting putting myself so close to that penetrating gaze. My knee started bobbing up and down, and I was internally glad that he couldn't see my anxiety.

"Professor, I've come to talk to you about Harry and Sirius," I started. "And please just hear me out."

He nodded.

"As I'm sure you've already guessed, I've visited the Dursleys a few times." I assessed his face for any sign of disappointment, but it was as attentive and impassive as before. "Petunia doesn't give him the care he needs. He spends the day alone, except when she gives him food. No one talks to him, Professor, and he's not happy." I was perched as a hawk on their windowsill when I saw Harry reach out to Petunia. I was witness when she looked away from him, turned her nose up, and walked away. I saw when my godson's face scrunched up in confusion at her lack of affection.

I didn't relay this to Dumbledore, but he seemed to understand from my choked voice. "Here, have some water, Swara."

I drank a gulp before continuing. "You've said it's important for him to stay with Petunia. I know you wouldn't say that if you didn't have a good reason, Professor, but I don't think it's right to leave him in an abusive household. There's never a reason good enough for that, sir," I said, my voice getting stronger and more firm with each word.

"Even if it was the matter of his survival?" This is what I hated about Dumbledore. The thinly veiled questions, for one, but also the lack of understanding. Merely surviving was not the same as living.

"Sir, there's more to living than simply not dying. To be raised in a house where there's no love, that's not life, sir. Every child deserves a home where he is cherished and loved and appreciated. A place where you are given food and a roof but no love is not a home. It's a shelter."

He pondered this for a moment. "You make valid arguments, Swara, and I understand your concern, but it's the matter of his safety. I haven't been completely honest with you about Lily's death and how Harry came to have that scar."

I immediately tensed. "What do you mean?"

He sighed, rubbing his eyes, which was in itself shocking. Even after long Order meetings, Dumbledore never showed his exhaustion. "Voldemort gave Lily a choice to live. He only wanted Harry. He told her to step aside."

I cursed, not caring where I was. "But why would he do that? She was a Muggleborn."

"That, I cannot tell you." Seeing that I was about to protest, he raised his hand. "You'll have to trust me on that, Swara."

I motioned for him to continue. "Naturally, she refused, sacrificing herself to save her son. That sacrifice, her love, is what protected Harry from the Killing Curse. Lily's blood protects him, and that is why he must stay with Petunia, for you know as well as I that Voldemort has not been vanquished."

I didn't doubt him. Love was a magic of its own, but there was something nagging me. "Well, what about James? He sacrificed himself as well. How come Harry and Lily weren't protected?" I demanded.

"I cannot claim to know exactly why, but I have a guess, and as you know, my guesses are usually quite good." A small smile at that. "Voldemort did not give James a choice, like he did with Lily. While James' sacrifice was brave and noble, Voldemort likely intended to kill him anyways. That was not the case with Lily. She died though she didn't need to."

"I still don't understand why he wouldn't kill Lily, a Muggleborn!" It made no sense for the man who was the biggest bigot to spare a Muggleborn.

"As I said, Swara, I cannot tell you exactly why without betraying someone's confidence. Know this though, Voldemort was not planning on killing Lily the moment he found out about the prophecy. Why that is, I cannot tell you."

I restrained myself from grabbing my hair in frustration. "Okay, so Harry has to stay with Lily because Petunia shares her blood to keep him safe?"

He nodded, and I continued. "But there are other measures of safety, Professor. We can put charms around the house, we can stay away from the Wizarding World until he's ready to attend school, we can do the Fidelius…"

Dumbledore gave me the same smile I'd been seeing a lot on his face lately. "That's what we did for Lily and James as well, Swara."  _And look at how that turned out,_ was the unspoken second part.  _You still couldn't protect your friends._

I looked down at the floor, ashamed of myself, but in my heart, I knew James and Lily would hate if Harry was staying with Petunia.

"Visitation hours then?" I asked.

"Hmm…what would that entail?" he asked.

From the sheer joy of not being shot down, I started rambling enthusiastically. "He can come live with me on the weekends. I've already put protection spells around the house. If you'd like, we can Fidelius it too! I won't tell him about the Wizarding World if you don't want me to!" In the back of my mind, I recognized how desperate I sounded, as if he was my master, but I didn't care. If I could have Harry for a few hours, I would do anything that Dumbledore asked. "I can set up a new house as well. Anything, sir, I can do anything."

I sucked in a breath, waiting to see how he responded. My fingers subconsciously starting peeling skin, and I was glad that it was hidden by the large mahogany desk.

"Alright, we can try it."

I stopped breathing, and in my shock, I accidently peeled the skin too hard and felt blood. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered. "What?" I stammered.

He continued as if he hadn't heard me. "Give it a few months though, at least until the Death Eaters are caught, and then you can start. I think that-"

"Are you serious?" I blurted out.

Dumbledore, taking in my incredulous expression and the desperation, gave me a gentle smile. "Yes, Swara. I agree that depriving him of a loving family is wrong, even if it's for his safety. But I'd like you to wait for a few months until the Death Eaters have been rounded up, okay?"

I nodded slowly, still in disbelief.

"Oh, I'd also like you to stop visiting Privet Drive. The Death Eaters know you, Swara, and I don't want them to know Harry's location or connection to you." The stern expression was back, but I barely registered it. For the first time, I felt hope sprouting in my heart like a newly planted tree. I would get to see Harry. I would get to take care of him, to shower him with love. I would have the chance to fulfill my role as godmother.

Godmother.

Bursting with elation, I had forgotten that I needed to talk to Dumbledore about Sirius as well. Looking back at the Headmaster, I gauged his expression.

"There is one other thing I wanted to address," I said slowly, watching his face.

He sighed. "I know what you want to talk about, dear. I think I've made myself clear about that particular topic."

Taking that as neither encouragement or discouragement, I plowed ahead. "With all due respect, sir, how can you, a member of the Wizengamot, think it's fair to convict a man without even a trial?"

"Sirius confessed, Swara. He did so in front of me and 13 other Ministry officials, including Alastor. Witnesses, both Muggle and magical, have seen him blowing up the street and killing Peter. They've seen Peter accuse him, and he responded by laughing, Swara. Laughing."

I shook my head vigorously. No, no, no, no. That was not Sirius. That was not my Sirius. This maniacal man was not the smirking, rebellious, loyal Sirius I knew.

"I'm afraid you didn't know the real Sirius, Swara." I hadn't realized I said that aloud. "I know it's a shock for you. The man you thought you knew turned out to be completely different, but that's the truth. The sooner you accept it, the faster you can move on."

"Move on? Move on? I will never be able to move on, sir. My parents are gone. James and Lily are gone. Remus is gone. Sirius is gone. How can I move on? What do I have to move on for?" I shouted.

"And that matter at hand is not whether or not Sirius is innocent. I seem to be the only person to believe that anyways. The matter is the flaws in our justice system. The matter is that they took a man to Azkaban without a trial! The matter is that man is being tortured every minute, every second of the day!" I calmed myself down. My outburst would not help Sirius. "All I'm asking for is a trial. Surely, the Ministry can't deny a trial?"

Dumbledore, who had not moved a muscle, responded, "They won't be able to accommodate a trial, Swara. Barty's very busy with catching Death Eaters right now."

His nonchalance twisted my gut, and I wanted to rip those disapproving portraits behind him off the wall. Taking a deep breath, I said, "Okay, but what about in a few months? Surely then His Supreme Greatness Barty Crouch will have time for a trial?"

Dumbledore hesitated, and I grew suspicious. What was he hiding?

"What is it?"

There. That pause again. "You have to understand the subtle politics of the situation, Swara."

"I don't understand what you're alluding to, sir." But I did. I just wanted him to say it out loud. I wanted him to share that shameful and downright disgusting idea out loud.

"If he's given a trial, that shows a blunder on the Ministry's part. Sirius is now a notorious murderer, and if the Ministry gives him a trial, they'll lose support. The situation will become fragile." He said the words.

I strared at him, not bothering to hide my blatant disgust. "You're willing to sacrifice an innocent man for the sake of politics? I-"

He held up a hand. "Sirius Black is not an innocent man, Swara. If you'd like to see my memory of the confession, you can, but he is not an innocent man."

I shot out of my chair. "So what, he's not deserving of a trial? The other Death Eaters all had trials! And Snape! Snape didn't need a trial! Why not Sirius? Is it because he's a Black? Is that why?"

"It's because he's a murderer! He killed your best friends and orphaned your godson! That's the man you're so insistent on defending! A killer! You're disgracing James' and Lily's memory" Dumbledore snapped.

My face paled in shock, and I took a few steps backwards. Judging by the alarmed expression on his face, he regretted his words, but it didn't matter. They were said. And he meant them as well. The truth was out.

"Swara-" he started, quite possibly with the intention to apologize, but I was already out the door, racing down the steps, out the hall.

The moment I passed the school boundaries, I Apparated.

I gasped for air, the hurt combining with my asthma to make the experience more difficult than normal. Rain hit my face, whipping my hair all around my head.

In front of me was the impenetrable fortress. Azkaban.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara. 
> 
> This chapter has some racially charged language. Please take care of yourself if you're feeling affected. I decided to include it because I heard from my grandparents that, soon after the end of colonial British rule in India, that type of language and prejudice was normal. Considering what's going on in society today, I thought it was relevant to include. If you have friends going through similar situations, please be supportive.

"Ugh! Ugh, you're so…exasperating!" Lily shouted, fumbling for words.

I raised an eyebrow. It had been a week of our vow of silence, and I swear I had facial muscles that I didn't have before.

Madame Pince, lurking like a rat behind the shelves, immediately "Shh-ed" her.

She leaned closer to me. "Why'd you have to go and bet with them anyways?" she grumbled at a lower tone.

Lily was taking this month of silence harder than anyone. The professors were all overjoyed. I'll maintain till my death that McGonagall actually give a little skip of delight when she found out. Of course, the Slytherins were also thrilled. No talking meant no pranks. No talking meant we wouldn't fight back. Unfortunately, we all knew nonverbal spells.

"Okay, can you try again? This time more clearly?" Lily asked, sitting back down.

I waited until she was settled before going over the Transfiguration spell again. Waving my wand in a complicated sequence of down, up, across, and over, I transformed the book to a music box. In reality, it wasn't as simple as down, up, across and over. There were more flourishes and flicks in the spell, which was why Lily was having trouble following my example.

"So, up, down-" I shook my head vigorously. "Down, across-" More shaking.

"UGH! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SPEAK! AND WHY DO YOU ALREADY KNOW NONVERBAL SPELLS!" Lily shouted.

That was the last straw. We were herded outside the library by Madame Pince, barely hanging onto our bookbags. Once deposited outside, I glared at Lily, tapping my foot. I was getting rather good at non-verbally conveying my emotions.

"Oh don't give me that look. It's not my fault." I stared pointedly at her. "It's not! How am I supposed to figure out the spellwork just by watching you?"

I shrugged, motioning to my stomach.

She sighed. "Alright, let's go eat. I'll just ask Sev for help."

I grimaced. In the two months we'd been back, Severus Snape seemed to be following the bigots of Slytherin more and more. I wasn't sure if Lily had noticed, but it worried me.

"You know, I can't wait until this ridiculous month of silence is over," she said as we walked down the stairs.

I gave her my best  _Really, I couldn't tell_ face, which must've been pretty good because she glared at me.

"Although it has been amusing to watch you, Potter, and his friends try to make conversation using only gestures," she added when she caught sight of them in the Great Hall.

I grinned. Poor Remus thought that he would have respite but often got stuck with the post of translator.

"Oi, Swara! Hurry up, dinner's almost over!" he called from the table. "And it's your favorite!" That could only mean one thing: a traditional thali. The house elves would sometimes make traditional Indian food for me to lessen the homesickness a little bit. After I told them I love traditional Gujarati thalis, they learned how to make it.

I waved to Lily, and she sat down with Dorcas. I was right. In front of me was a circular steel dish. On one end, steaming hot daal and rice. On the other, roti and shaak. And, the best part was the glass of cold chaas. I started shoveling it in my mouth.

"Well, well, well. It looks like the darkie is finally quiet," came a drawling voice. I instantly froze.

Roland Freidmont stood behind me, a smirk on his chiseled face. "Come on mates," he said, motioning the others forward, "Let's see how it eats in the natural habitat."

James started to say something, but Peter and I shook our heads. We only had a couple of more weeks of silence.

"If you're going to invade England, you should eat our food, Patel. No one wants to smell this disgusting shite," Freidmont added, reveling in the fact that he could say this to me without retaliation. I numbed, shutting down. Everything was hazy, nothing was in focus. Was I even breathing? All I saw was Friedmont's maniacal face in front of me. His cronies appeared. They were all laughing at me, pointing fingers. When did I get on the ground?

"Shut up, Friedmont," Remus warned. His voice jolted me out of my hallucination.

"Or what? You're going to report me? Please, Lupin. We all know you can't do anything, so excuse me if I take advantage of this wonderful silence."

Sirius and James shot out of their seats, both grabbing Friedmont by his robes. Mute, they may be, but their fists still worked.

"She's trained you well. Funny, it was us that used to train her parents, now it's the other way around," he choked out.

 _Her parents._ I got up out of my seat, slowly moving towards them as a tiger does to her prey. James and Sirius, caught up in glaring at him, didn't notice my approach, but Friedmont did. He grinned.  _Watch me wipe off that smirk from your face forever._

I gently shoved James and Sirius away, their eyes filled with concern and questions. I turned around to face Friedmont. Behind me, James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus formed my army.

I stood, staring into Friedmont's eyes intensely, as if in them I would find the secret of his mindless hate and ignorance.

Perhaps growing uncomfortable with the staring, Friedmont started to say, "Why don't you-OW!"

He never finished because I had just punched his face. His friends started forward, but a few well-aimed spells from the boys was enough to freeze them to their spots.

"MS. PATEL!" I distantly heard McGonagall shout. My focus remained on the child in front of me, who was bent at the knee and trying to stench the flow of blood from his nose and mouth. The rest of the Gryffindors, finally noticing the threat, crowded around us, and I saw Lily move towards me in concern.

I raised my fist again, and his eyes widened in fear.  _Good._ I punched him in the gut, and he doubled over. I watched him for a few seconds before grabbing his face and lifting it up so he looked me in the eyes.

All the words I could not say, the rage I couldn't express, I showed through my eyes. Pushing him backwards slightly, I watched him stumble over his feet, again doubled over.

There was no time for anything else. McGonagall had reached us, and her mouth had completely disappeared in a tight line. "Ms. Patel, we  _never_ resort to fighting, magical or otherwise! Apologize to Mr. Friedmont!"

I looked at her and deliberately shook my head.  _No._

I didn't pause to see her harried expression, instead turning to Remus. He understood immediately and stepped forward. "Professor, Friedmont insulted Swara and her family."

She paused at that, likely guessing the nature of the insult. After all, other than me, there was only one other Indian student. "Is this true, Friedmont?"

He was about to deny it, but Remus, ever level-headed and perceptive said, "We can show you the memories as well, Professor."

Faced with Remus' smug smile and the glares of the rest of the boys and I, Friedmont had no choice. He looked away, choosing to stay silent rather than verbally accept responsibility.  _Coward._

"Well, in that case, 100 point from Slytherin, Friedmont, and detention with me for the next month.  _Every night,_ " she stressed.

I didn't bother to hide my delight at this, barely refraining from sticking my tongue out at the downed Slytherin. "And get yourself to the Hospital Wing. You're bleeding all over the floor. Merlin knows the house elves have enough work to do."

Friedmond stood up, wincing slightly. There was the promise of retribution in his eyes, but it was so at odds with the blood dripping down his face, I easily brushed it away.

The cronies tried to escape unnoticed, but Lily was faster. Grabbing their book bags, she motioned, "Professor McGonagall. Here are the others."

McGonagall turned her gaze on them. Unlike Friedmont, these three cowered under her unrelenting stare. "Appleseed, Gormant, Chester, detention for 2 weeks. And 40 points each."

I looked over at the hourglass. The emeralds were down to maybe 10 after the loss of 180 points. I hope the other Slytherins gave Friedmont, Appleseed, and Chester hell for it. The Hufflepuff hourglass was still doing alright. They'd be able to recover from Gormant's mistake.

With the end of the drama, everyone dispersed. McGonagall, however, had one last thing to say, "Ms. Patel, though the attacked was provoked, I'm still giving you three days' detention."

I shrugged. The best thing about Minerva McGonagall was her fairness and no-nonsense attitude. I was not going to get in the way of that.

Lily had stayed behind, and she rested a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

I smiled ruefully at her. Truth be told, it was difficult to hear such slurs from my own classmates, but it wasn't surprising. It had only been 30 years since British colonial rule ended in India, but tensions, especially among noble families, still ran high.

My parents had experienced much worse in their time at Hogwarts, a time at which India had just been freed. I could certainly handle a few taunts.

Reassuring Lily with a nod, I sent her on her way. The boys were not so easily fooled, but thankfully didn't mention it. I sat down again and resumed eating. I lifted up the roti to my mouth before pausing.  _Savages. Disgusting shite._ The words played over and over in my head.

Suddenly, my stomach felt a little queasy, and I looked at the food in my hand with doubt.  _Was it truly disgusting?_ The thought ran through my mind for an instant before shame replaced it.  _Of course not._

But I still couldn't eat another bite, and I put it down in remorse. James nudged me and raised his chin.  _What's wrong?_

I shook my head.  _Nothing._

He raised an eyebrow.  _Yeah, right._

I made my eyes pop.  _Drop it._

Suddenly, Sirius had picked up the roti and shoved it in my face. I reeled backwards in surprise. He motioned towards it.  _Eat._

I shook my head and rested a hand on my stomach.  _No. I'm full._

Peter rolled his eyes and tilted his head towards the food and then towards Lily.  _Sure, you are. Eat or I'll get Lily._

I glared at him and turned to Remus for help. He did nothing but move the glass of chaas towards me. I pursed my lips in my best McGonagall imitation, and recognizing defeat, took the food from Sirius' hands.

After downing the glass of chaas, I actually felt much better. Refreshed. Even the bitter taste of the mandrake leaf couldn't ruin the chaas. The smile on my face said it all.

James grinned. He punched his hand and pointed towards the Slytherin and Hufflepuff table. I don't think that needed to be translated.

I nodded, already thinking of revenge ideas. Perhaps an underwear display? Or a nasty fall? Or a bout of embarrassing dancing and singing to the Professors? I smiled dreamily, imagining all the possibilities until Remus poked me from across the table.

"What nefarious plan are you concocting in that evil little brain of yours?"

I pointed towards my throat and mimed singing opera. Then I jabbed a finger towards the 2 tables and then towards McGonagall.

It wasn't difficult for them to grasp. James, Sirius, and Peter all gave me varying nonverbal gestures of approval, and there was a mischievous glint in Remus' eyes as he surveyed Friedmont. Perhaps imagining him professed at the feet of McGonagall, begging for her affection. At least, that's what I was picturing.

"I think that can be arranged," he said.

I was already feeling much better.

Two hours later, we're holed up in the boys' dormitory, plotting the prank. Sirius was all for using the Confundus Charm, but James quite literally put his foot down. While I wanted to hurt them, I wasn't comfortable with such levels of deception and control, so we decided to find another way.

Peter suggested blackmail, but we had nothing on them, so that was quickly thrown out the window. But it was amusing to see him run around for a piece of post from his mum and turn it black.

Finally, James came upon the only solution.  _New spell?_

We all looked to each other and nodded. Challenge accepted.

_Which song?_

I grinned evilly. This part of the plan I had down.  _Celestina Warbeck. Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love._

Sirius actually winced, the words triggering vomit. But, that's exactly what we wanted. Something so horrendously lovey-dovey, so cliché, so Madame Pudifoots-esque, and so embarrassing, that Friedmont and his crew would rather sink to the edges of the Earth than show their scumball faces again.

Remus glanced at the time and started getting up. "I have prefect rounds. Don't discuss anything without me," he warned.

I glared, pointing at my mouth.  _Not like we can really have a discussion._ He winked and left. Distantly, we heard him say, "Ready, Lily?" and I swear James swooned. This boy was hopeless.

Peter, apparently done with the troubles of communication, had gone back to his Shakespeare. James took the opportunity to bring up Quidditch.  _Try outs in two days,_ he wrote.

I groaned internally. I hated try outs. Everyone glared at everyone, sizing them up and probably plotting unfortunate demises of those who made the team over them. I was one of the Chasers.

Sirius pointed to me and then held up two fingers and a thumbs up. I translated: you've been on the team for the last two years. You'll be fine.

James nodded so enthusiastically, he hit his head on the edge of the bed. Merlin's beard, he was like an overgrown puppy.

Seemingly bored with this conversation, the two turned to Exploding Snap to engage their wandering minds. I, on the other hand, was still thinking about try outs.

Dorcas was the other Chaser, and she'd been playing for two years as well, but Anthony graduated last year, leaving the final Chaser spot open. James, of course, was Seeker. The Keeper position was up for grabs, as was one of the Beater's. I started peeling the skin from my nails, thinking about how it could be disastrous if we didn't find three extremely talented players. We needed almost half a team.

Slytherin's team would just carry over from last year since none of them graduated. Ravenclaw always put together a strong team. Nothing could be said about the Hufflepuff team, but Crawley, the new captain, was an extremely skilled Beater. I rubbed my shoulder, remembering the impact of one of his hits. I winced.

Gryffindor took Quidditch very seriously. I found it slightly ridiculous, but I loved to fly so I stayed on the team, even if I didn't share the same fanaticism.

Flying. Just thinking about it cooled my body and made me sigh. There was no comparison to it. The swish of wind through your hair, the grip on the broom, looking down at the winding rivers and open valleys below you, gazing upwards at the star-dotted expanse of universe above you. It was the most freeing feeling in the world, realizing that this world was beautiful.

I got up and sat on the windowsill, looking outwards. It was quiet and serene, as if the stars had ordained this time of night to be one of peaceful reflection and comfort. The constellations shone brightly above, and I could see the moon reflected on the Black Lake. Hogwarts never looked more enchanting than it did in the midnight hours, when everything was slumbering.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

The cold seeped into my clothes like a stain. Still reeling from what Dumbledore said, my legs stayed glued to the spot, my mind unable to make them move. Was this horrid place where Sirius had been for the past few weeks? Sirius, who loved basking in the Sun, who said that he never felt more alive than when suffused with the light from the sky.

I trudged towards the entrance, fighting against the blustering wind and sharp rain. With every step I took, the presence of desolation grew closer. Dementors.

One candle flickered inside, and the guard looked up in surprise as I approached. It seemed as though working in the prison had allowed some of the grayness to seep into him. He looked to be only a few years older than me, but his hair was grey, and no one, not even Remus, had so many bags under their eyes.

"I'm here to see Sirius Black," I stated.

He eyed me warily. "Only approved personnel are allowed to see Black. He's a highly dangerous inmate."

I ignored the last part. "I work at the Department of Mysteries. I am approved personnel." I left out the part of being on leave. He didn't need to know that.

He shook his head firmly. "I'm sorry, Miss. Only high clearance Ministry officials are allowed to see Black. I cannot let you in."

I fingered my wand inside my pocket. How hard would it be to simply use the Confundus Charm on him? No, that would be stupid. The Ministry wouldn't have put a guard here who could be Confunded. There would be some protective enchantments.

As if he knew what I was contemplating, he stood up, voice stern this time. "As I'm sure you know, this is an impenetrable prison. You do not have clearance to enter, so I have to ask you to leave, Miss."

He started moving towards me, and the desperation built. "No, you don't understand. It is imperative that I see Sirius Black immediately!"

He stared at me before sending off a Patronus, some small forest creature. "What are you doing? Who are you calling? These really no need for that!" I exclaimed.

"Please put the wand down, ma'am," he said, his hands up placatingly.

I hadn't realized when I whipped my wand out. Reluctantly lowering it, I repeated, "I'm just here to see Sirius, not to cause any trouble. Please. It'll only take a few minutes. You can even supervise!" I yelled, hysteria building. I couldn't leave without seeing him.

I felt the coldness get closer. My despair was drawing the dementors towards the entrance. From the shadows, another man appeared. "What seems to be the problem here, Rowle?"

"Sir, this woman wants to see Black. I've told her she's not allowed, but she's adamant," the first man, Rowle, said.

The second man snorted. "Which Black? It seems as though their whole family's here."

I interjected. "Please, you have to let me meet Sirius. It'll only take a minute! I work for the Department of Mysteries!" They couldn't turn me away. Not when I was so close to him.

The second man walked towards me until he was inches away. I stared wildly into his eyes. "As Rowle said, no one is allowed to see Black. Leave now, before we're forced to take drastic measures."

"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I SEE HIM! YOU'VE IMPRISONED AN INNOCENT MAN, AND I WILL SEE HIM NOW!" I shouted.  _No, they can't do this. I need to see him. I need to tell him I believe. I need to see his face, to hear his voice._

Sirius' voice was like water in the desert, or air on a mountain. It was velvety, but not fake. It was deep, rolling, soothing. I needed to hear him. I need to hear that smooth timbre and know that he was alive.

Both the guards looked alarmed now, and I had but a second's warning before Rowle shot a Body-Bind Curse at me. I deflected it neatly, the movement almost involuntary. "That was a warning. Leave, before we call for reinforcements, ma'am."

I was getting nowhere with them. I briefly considered dueling the two. I would probably win, but the Dementors would be after me. I wasn't sure if my Patronus would be strong enough to fight off a horde of Dementors at the height of their power.

As a last resort, I asked, "Please. If I can't see him, will you at least give him a letter from me? You can even read it if you want, and I'll write it in front of you."

The second man looked inclined to shove me out the door right then, so I turned towards Rowle. "It's very important that I get this message to him. Please. I promise to leave after that."

Rowle hesitated, before saying, "Alright." I could've leaped for joy, and I wanted to hug him. The second man's look of incredulity and disbelief stopped me though.

I took out a piece of parchment and quill from my bag.

_Sirius,_

I paused, unsure of how to continue. How do I express my pain and rage and love and all these pent up emotions with words? I tried again.

_I know you didn't do it. I know you blame yourself, and I don't have the details of what happened, but I know that you would never betray James and Lily. I believe you, Sirius. You're not your family, you're not defined by them or your last name. Remember that._

_They won't let me see you, and Dumbledore and the Ministry refuse to give you a retrial. I'm trying to change their minds. I don't know if I can, but I'll try, even if it takes years._

_Harry's with Petunia. I managed to convince Dumbledore to let me see him occasionally. I'll shower him with both of our love. Don't worry about him._

_There's so much I want to say in this letter but don't have words for. Do you remember that night in the Astronomy tower? You told me that when we die, we become stars. I believe that about Lily and James. They're watching over you, Sirius._

_Don't lose hope. Remember that you are loved, Sirius. Harry loves you. I love you._

_Yours,_

_Swara_

I tried my best to not let any tears fall on this letter, but there was still a splotch blurring the A in Astronomy. I dutifully handed it to Rowle, who read through it, eyes widening with every sentence. The second man, reading over his shoulder, did not bother to hide his disgust that I love a murderer.

"Will you give it to him?"

There was pity in Rowle's eyes. He probably thought Sirius had seduced me, fooled me. He probably thought I was some mad girl, driven to insanity by the betrayal. He could think what he likes. I couldn't care less.

We stared at each, and he finally nodded. "Thank you," I breathed. "It means more to me than you know."

"Alright, you've written your letter. Now, leave," the second man said. I nodded, gathering my things and stepping out into the frigid air.

* * *

It was nearing 9 o'clock when I returned home. There was laughter coming from the Diggory household, and I could see the silhouette of Cedric playing with his toys at the windowsill.

I warmed up some leftover pasta, thinking about the letter. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, maybe instead of helping Sirius, it would remind him of everything he had lost.

Quickly shaking myself out of that hole, I firmly told myself I was right about it. Sirius needed to know that someone was still looking out for him, that someone still loved him.

I still remembered when he had run away from home. For months, he would look over at the Slytherin table. He pretended he was keeping track of the Death Eaters, but we all knew he was watching Regulus. Sirius, more than the others, tended to be insecure in his relationships, probably because of his horrid family life. He was very tactile with everyone he cared about, as if reassuring himself they were really there with him.

Harry was also very tactile. He loved being hugged, especially by James, the self-proclaimed King of Warm and Soft Hugs.

I hoped that my (justified) outburst hadn't turned Dumbledore away from the visitation weekend idea, but at this point, I was not taking no for an answer. I would not compromise where Harry was concerned. I may not be the his King of Warm and Soft Hugs, but I was his godmother, his Masi, damnit, and I will see him.

I hadn't mentioned Moony in the letter, hoping Sirius wouldn't notice the absence. Though I wanted to keep up the anger towards Remus, my heart refused to listen, seemingly ready to bear more pain than it already had. Perhaps it was just defective.

Thinking these dark thoughts was not helping my mood. I pointed my wand towards the jukebox I had dragged in last morning.  _Eleanor Rigby_ started to play, and I hummed along while cleaning the kitchen. "Aah, look at all the lonely people," I sang. Perhaps it wasn't the best choice in song. I switched it to  _Hey Jude_ instead, knowing that the end of the song would make me shake my hips. A little bit of hip shaking was exactly what I needed.

"NA NA NA NA NANANANA, NANANANA, HEY JUDE!" I shouted, jumping onto the tabletop and clutching my wand like a microphone. The despair retreated in the face of music, as I expected it to. Truly, there is no greater magic than music. Dumbledore and I may have our differences as of now, but on this count, I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

The doorbell rang as I was finishing up the last note. I leapt off the table and grabbed my cardigan from where I had flung it when I started dancing.

It was little Cedric. I bent down to his level and stifled a smile as his serious face stared at me. "Hello, Cedric. What brings you here?"

He continued staring at me. "Mama akst me to bring dese shoclate cookies for you, Miss Patel," he said, adorably scrunching his face at the longer words.

My heart swelled at the sight. I resisted the urge to smother him with hugs and pull those plump cheeks, instead choosing to ruffle his hair gently.

"Cookies? For me? Thank you, Cedric!" I said. "You did a great job delivering them!"

He beamed a bright smile at me. "Really? I'm gonna go tell Mama!" With that, Cedric toddled away, speeding towards his house where Mrs. Diggory was waiting on the front steps. I raised a hand towards her to convey my gratitude. The cookies smelled heavenly.

I went back inside and decided to save the cookies for tomorrow. As it was, I'd already eaten some carrot cake. The old clock read 10 until 10, and I decided it was late enough to justify going to sleep.

I had decorated my room lovingly. Lily had always been one for sparser decorations. Her side of the dorm had a few photographs and an occasional poster, but that was it. A sensible taste was what she called it. I preferred to be surrounded by things I loved, so my side of the dorm had photographs, posters, banners, pieces of paper I'd written on, anything and everything.

I'd adopted a similar strategy for this bedroom as well. The ceiling was enchanted with stars and constellations that were accurate to the night sky. Today, I was staring up at the Ursa major formation. I had Hogwarts memories plastered against another wall, all photographs Moony and I had taken of our friends. And of course, I had posters of The Beatles and the Holyhead Harpies. Lily always thought it looked tacky, but being surrounded by things you love felt like a comforting embrace to me. After a hard day, to return to a room with an inviting bed and things you love, there's nothing better.

With a jolt, I realized it was the first time I had thought of Lily without crushing despair following it. Instead, my eyes were filled with her vibrant smile and bright eyes, and I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up with the birds the next morning. Shrugging on a robe over my camisole, I plodded downstairs, my ears focused on the gentle cries of the songbirds. It truly was beautiful here. There was a different kind of life to it compared to London.

I had never been one for coffee, that was always Moony, but I poured myself a glass of orange juice, meandering out to the garden. The sun had begun its ascent and was dimly shining on the brilliant green grass. It seemed wrong to enjoy the rise of a new morning when Sirius was in perpetual darkness, when Harry was with Petunia, and when Moony was Merlin knows where. The instant that thought flitted through my mind, I deflated. Would it ever be possible to enjoy anything without feeling guilt?

Perhaps that was the consequence of being the one left behind.

I returned to the kitchen, robotically washing my glass. Faced with the seemingly endless hours of the day, I decided to start working to occupy my time. Marcia would be pleased the earlier I started working.

I'd also need to go see Dumbledore again. A groan escaped me as I thought of speaking with the Headmaster again. We both had exchanged some barbed, yet honest, words. Maybe afterwards, I'd go see the Diggorys to take my mind off what surely was going to be another tense encounter.

I grabbed an apple and bit into it while walking to my study. Sunlight streamed through the room causing some of my trinkets to glimmer. The overall visage was so different from my office at the Department, I couldn't resist the laugh that bubbled up inside of me when thinking of the two years I spent in that dungeon.

Next to my desk, the tank of brains emitted a sputtering green glow. Well, that wasn't good. I rushed to the tank, poking the topmost brain with my wand. Slightly squishy, but not unsalvageable. Quickly dumping the rest of the preservation potion in the tank, I watched as the green light grew stronger.

Thank Merlin I had some preservation potion left. I'd really hate to have to restart this entire project with new brains.

I sat in the chair, leafing through the file where I'd stuffed all my notes on magical thought, my topic of study. How does magic manifest in some but not others? It had to be genetic in some way, or else wizarding families would not produce children with magic. I reckoned it was a change in the brain, but even that led to more questions. How did magic change the brain? How did the brain, the same in Muggles and Wizarding folk, allow for magic? What was thought, and why are we sentient?

When I was first offered the job, I had been ecstatic. While I was never fond of the Ministry (or authority institutions), the only place where I could conduct my research was at the Department. Imagine my surprise when the rest of my coworkers shared my annoyance towards the Ministry. In fact, we spent lunch most days complaining about the latest blunder or stupidity or lack of funding. I doubted that Fudge would be much better in regards to that last one.

I read through all my notes again. It had been a while, and I found myself getting excited at the prospect of working again on my little passion project. I smiled at the brains, which was weird and creepy.

I needed to get a pet.

"Ah, here it is," I said, staring intently at the parchment with my scrawled handwriting. "Brains responsive to magic did not structurally look different at the surface. May be a potential DNA anomaly. Check in hippocampus first."

The Department of Mysteries was updated on all the advances in Muggle science of course. Davies, who worked in the Space Chamber, had used a recent Muggle article on quarks to model the particle soup of the universe's beginnings. Though Watson was a bloody sexist and Franklin deserved better, their research on DNA electrified the Department and sparked my own research.

I took out Brain 1 from the tank and suspended it in the air. A couple of months ago, I accidently (read: in anger at getting nowhere), shot a spell off towards the brain. It tendrils, meant to represent thought, grew rapidly until they almost reached the floor. I had stood, gaping, at this octopus-like mass that was writhing on my office floor, before jumping up and down like a child on Christmas morning. As they say, all the great discoveries are uncovered by accident.

I cast a light Wingardium leviosa at the brain, and a single tendril grew out from it. Did the location of the tendril indicated the region of the brain involved? Perhaps the intensity of the spell affected the length? I dashed the thoughts off on my notes.

Experlliarmus was next, and another tendril sprouted, this one longer than the first. Stupefy was next, and the tendril was surprisingly in a different location, though it was longer than the first two. Perhaps an effect of the type of spell? Another note.

I tried Flipendo next, expecting it to be in line with Stupefy, but it actually was closer to Expelliarmus. Deciding that it would be more conclusive to go through a comprehensive list of spells, I made a mental note to compile a list of spells based on type: defensive, offensive, transfiguration, protective, simple, complex, etc. I set Brain 1 back in the tank, noticing that the effect of the preserving potion did not seem to affect the brains differently.

Brain 2 was a non-magic brain and did not grow any tendrils. I continued through my brains for the rest of the morning until the alarm clock blared, indicating it was time for lunch. I had no particular interest in cooking, though I loved to eat. This made for some rather miserable meals since nothing I cooked ever matched with my expectations. Hogwarts clearly spoiled me.

Settling on the couch with a panini, I turned on the television. Chaplin. Muggles were quite innovative, it was a shame that so many Wizarding folk remained ignorant of this fact. As he danced on screen, my eyes followed his feet carefully. Trained in dancing at a young age, I found Chaplin's eccentric moves delightful and always tried to replicate them. The one time I mistakenly conjured a mirror as I tried this was a mistake. I looked like a buffoon, but that didn't make it any less fun. I set my dish in the sink and dashed back out to the living room, trying to copy him. It was certainly a different style than the waltz and bharatnatyam I was used to.

I glanced at the clock. Quarter to 2. I had no excuse to put off this meeting any longer. I grabbed my navy blue cloak and draped it around me. I had set up anti-Apparition wards around the house. They seemed like a good idea with some of the rogue Death Eaters roaming around, but it was bloody annoying as hell.

I walked about three feet away from the cottage and spun.  _Crack._

Whispering the password, I opened the gate and strode through the grounds covered in snow and slush.

Filch was nowhere to be seen, but the time of day meant I ran into many students charging down to lunch. I tried not to think about the fact that some of them I would know, having left Hogwarts only 4 years ago. They remained innocents, sheltered by their youth and this school. Whereas I, I felt aged beyond belief.

These thoughts pounded against my head as I ascended to Dumbledore's office. Had the students slept peacefully in their warm dormitories while I braved the rain and cold on missions? Had they continued to laugh and enjoy the feasts while Voldemort broke down the houses of my parents? Suddenly, a yearning overcame me. The yearning to return to school, be a student, be cared for by the professors again. The time when friendships and learning and discovery were paramount, and no problem seemed insurmountable.

But this was my life. 21 years old, and here I was trying to bargain for my fiance's life, trying to cope with the loss of all my friends, bargaining for time with my godson. I deserved more.

Dumbledore was in his office. He looked up when he saw me enter. "I received word you visited Azkaban last night," his voice was gentle.  _Don't startle the horse, dear_ , my Ma advised. Was that what Dumbledore was doing?

I took a seat, sparing a smile for Fawkes. "Yes, I did. They wouldn't allow me to see him, but I wrote him a letter," I said, straining to keep civility in my voice.

He seemed to sense it, which was not surprising. Dumbledore was too perceptive for my own good. "I won't ask what was in the letter, Swara. But you should be more careful. Do not paint yourself as a Dark Wizard ally," he warned.

"Dark Wizard ally? I was not vising a Dark Wizard. I was there for Sirius," I said defiantly.

He sighed. "I do not wish to argue with you, Swara. But be careful. You may not believe it, but to the rest of the Wizarding World, Sirius Black is a convicted murderer and ally to Voldemort. The Ministry will make life difficult for you should you continue to be vocal about this."

His eyes bored into mine. They were weary, as if sagged down by the years they'd seen. What traumas had he experienced in his long life, I wondered. To live that long, there were sure to be some.

I felt myself unfurling at the seams of my anger a bit. At that moment, for the first time, Dumbledore was a man in my eyes, not a legendary and powerful wizard, not my Headmaster. He was simply Albus, someone who, though surrounded by people, walked alone.

I sighed, knowing the truth of his words. If the Ministry put me on their radar, it would be difficult to ever get a retrial or see Harry. I swallowed. "I understand, sir. I'll be careful, for Harry's sake, but I will not stop trying for a retrial."

At that, he smiled. "I would not have expected less." Hesitating then, he continued. "I've made my thoughts on Sirius Black clear, Swara. No one else could have done it, and you'll spare yourself hurt and pain if you accept that."

I looked at him and responded, my voice confident. "I appreciate that you want what is best for me, sir. But I know that he is innocent. I actually came to discuss Harry with you."

Dumbledore, thankfully, agreed to change the subject. He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

I spoke slowly, trying to choose my words delicately. "I wanted to reaffirm that I will be able to see him in a month, and then for weekends thereafter. Our conversation yesterday did not go as planned, and for that I apologize."

He studied me, weighing the sincerity in my words. I truly did regret lashing out, but based on his smile, I knew he also understood that I was not apologizing for my views, just the way I delivered them.

"I too wish to apologize. I should not have spoken the way I did. As for Harry Potter, with the speed at which Barty Crouch is catching Death Eaters, I daresay you'll be able to see him sooner."

A smile shot across my face like a current. "That's excellent news! How soon?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "I do not know. Wait for my owl, my child. I know you proposed another safe house, but I do not think that will be necessary, as long as there are adequate wards around your current home and-"

"And I hide all evidence of magic, I know!" I interrupted excitedly. Dimly, I registered that it would be difficult and very inconvenient to have to hide all traces of magic, but that was all masked by the sheer joy that had overrun my veins. My foot bounced up and down with excitement, and I imagined all the things I would do with Harry. Perhaps Cedric could come over and play with him as well! I could take him to the Muggle playground nearby, we could go out for ice cream…

"Yes, I'm sure you do. As I said, wait for my owl," Dumbledore repeated, amusement clear on his face.

I nodded a little too forcefully and swept out of the room, hastily shouting my thanks.

My elation knew no bounds that night. I danced like a maniac all over the house, blasting music and singing badly. I ate three of Cedric's cookies as well, dunking them liberally in chocolate fondue. Running over to the Diggory's place, I shared the good news, and Amos and Sara were kind enough to offer me dinner. I spent an enjoyable evening there, playing catch with Cedric and discussing Quidditch with Amos and Sara. It was like being with family.

That night, I went to sleep with hope.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own only Swara

It had been a ridiculously hectic week. Try-outs were today, we were working on a spell to prank Friedmont, and there were still two weeks for this month of silence. I woke up in a mood. Lily, bearing witness to my behavior before Try-outs for the past 2 years, wisely chose to make an early exit from the dormitories.

James insisted that the team go down to the Great Hall together because he's an annoying prat. "It fosters team unity!" he had said. Well, written.

I waited for the black-haired twat with Dorcas and Tim, the 4th year beater. Why was he the last one, I don't know.

"Ready for this, Swara?" Tim asked, wringing his fingers.

I shrugged and gave him a lopsided smile. Dorcas was the only one of us three who was completely relaxed. My foot tapped the ground incessantly, and I resisted the urge to fidget with my hands as well.

Finally, James bounded down the steps, the other three right behind him.

I glared and pointed at my watch. "He was writing a motivational speech, Swara," Remus said.

I pointed at him, zipped my mouth, and scrunched my eyebrows. "I'll read it out on the pitch," Remus answered.

I rolled my eyes at James, and he grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door, the others following closely behind.

The Great Hall was quiet, thankfully. People were still sleeping in, except for a few Gryffindors who wanted to try out or watch. Tim and I nibbled at our eggs. The rocking ship-like motion of my stomach was not conducive to eating, and I imagined Tim was feeling the same way. James and Dorcas, on the other hand, gobbled down their toast like a pair of trolls.

Ten minutes later, we were on the pitch, and my eyes widened at the amount of people who had shown up to try out. There had to be at least 30 Gryffindors milling about on the pitch.

Sirius and Peter went to sit on the stands, and the rest of us stood behind James. He clapped his hands loudly a few times to get attention. It didn't work.

I took out my wand, and a loud bang resounded in the grounds. That certainly stopped the chatter.

James grabbed Remus and gave him a sheet of paper.

"Welcome to the Gryffindor Quidditch try outs!" Remus started. "Before we get started, if you are not at least a second year, get off my pitch."

No one left. That was a first.

"Okay, then. As you know, we have three positions that need to be filled: Beater, Chaser, and Keeper. But, you can try out for any position, even the currently occupied ones. If you fly better than our current players, you'll get a spot on the team, understood?" Remus paused at this point for the crowd to voice any questions.

"Now on to the good stuff: as you know, Gryffindor's won the Quidditch Cup the last two years. This year will be no different, my friends! We've had the best team the past two years, and we'll be the best one this year too! Which House puts in as much time as we do? Which House has the amount of Quidditch talent we do? Which House has the best fans? We do! Quidditch is an art, it is life. In these try outs, do not disgrace that art. Understood? Okay, let's start! Group yourselves by position you're trying for."

I nudged James and raised an eyebrow.  _That was a horrible speech._ He scowled at me and jabbed a finger in the air. I raised my hands and backed away, still smiling about the art comment. It sounded as if he was some sort of passionate lover out of Lily's Muggle romance novels.

Dorcas and I kicked off our brooms and waited for James (Remus) to deliver instructions down below.

"You ready?" Dorcas called, tossing the Quaffle to me.

The breeze tickled my scalp, and the sun was rising behind me, warming my head. The green hills, partly hidden from the ground, shone with their glory.

I nodded, exhilaration filling my body.

"Keepers, you'll be going first. Everyone else, stand off to the side!" Remus yelled. I quickly scanned the group that remained. There were about 4 people trying out for Keeper. My eyes strained to see their faces. I could only make out John Flinter's blonde head. He was a fourth year with a horrible attitude.

"Here's how this is going to work! My excellent Chasers will attempt to score on you 5 times! Whichever of you saves the most will proceed to the next stage. Cooper, you're first!" I glanced down again. There was a little too much James in those words to be Remus'. Sure enough, Remus was reading from a piece of parchment. I chuckled. He may skive off on homework, but James took no chances with Quidditch.

The boy, Cooper, flew to the goal posts. I curled my fingers around the shaft of the broom, tugging at the purple paisley handkerchief I had tied there two years ago. It was browning now, but the paisley pattern from my mother's sari was unmistakable.

James got in the air soon after, taking his position a few feet ahead of the goal posts. He had a clipboard with him.

The Quaffle was still tucked under my arm, and I was itching to get started. Finally, James raised his hand, and I tensed. He dropped it, and I shot off like a bolt, speeding towards the goal. Dorcas was below me, and I dropped the Quaffle to her. I watched as she zoomed towards the right goal. Cooper rushed that way but missed the catch.

We sped back towards the opposite side of the pitch. This time, Dorcas started with the Quaffle. A fan for theatrical maneuvers, she swerved and zigzagged her way across the pitch. Having dealt with this for the past two years, I simply raced to the other side and waited impatiently. When she finally made it, she tossed the Quaffle upwards, and I kicked it into the right goal, Cooper still lagging behind at the left one.

We repeated this three more times. Cooper managed to save the other three goals after findings his flying legs. Still, 3 out of 5 was not a great try -out, and James' blank face told me he was not terribly impressed either.

Cooper flew down, and Flinter came up, making a great show of speeding upwards and coming to a grinding halt by the goals. I rolled my eyes at Dorcas.

"Let's say we knock this one to size, eh?" Dorcas said.

I loved it when she got evil.

This time, we flew neck and neck, tossing the Quaffle back and forth between us. As we got closer, I could see Flinter's beady eyes zooming between us, trying to track the Quaffle. Suddenly, Dorcas took off towards the left post with the Quaffle, and Flinter raced to stop her. He was 2 feet away from her when she threw the Quaffle to me, and I launched it through the center goal.

"YES!" Dorcas cheered and gave me a high five. Flinter, probably out of fear of James, said nothing, but his mouth twitched with all the words he was suppressing.

In the end, Dorcas and I scored 5/5 times on him, and the poor bloke flew to the ground, kicked his broom, and shoved the others out of the way before retreating to the castle.

The next one, a May Weatherly, 2nd year, saved 4/5 goals. I could tell from James' frantic writing that he was impressed with her skill at such a young age as well. She seemed nice enough, if a little shy. The last bloke, Drew Grayson, had more interest in flirting with Dorcas than playing Keeper.

We flew down to the pitch where the others where quietly talking, no doubt assessing the Keeper hopefuls. I noticed with no end of delight that Flinter had not reappeared. At least that was one less whiner that needed to be dealt with.

James motioned for Dorcas, Tim, and I to come over. He jabbed a finger at May's name with a thumb's up. I think we were all in agreement with that decision.

"The new Keeper is May Weatherly!" Remus announced. "Thank you for those of you that came out."

I glanced over at May, and the beam on her face was priceless. Seemingly unable to restrain herself, she ran over to James and hugged him. James jerked backwards a few steps when the force of a wiry 12-year old slammed into him, but he wasted no time in returning the hug. After all, he was one of the most affectionate people I had met. Took after his mum in that regard.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! I won't let you down, sir!" May shouted. Well, I guess she wasn't that shy.

He ruffled her hair and tucked her under his arms. With one simple hug, May was part of our Quidditch family. Remus was watching the proceedings with a small smile on his face, and he wrapped an arm around me as well. "She has no idea that she signed up for a big brother, does she?" he whispered to me.

I shook my head but gave it a thumbs up. "You approve? So do I, Swara. There's no better friend than James Potter," he said.

It was true. There really wasn't a better friend than James.

"Shall we get on with the try-out?" Remus called to James, who simply nodded.

"Alright! Chasers are up next! When I call your name, ascend to the skies!" Remus called. "Ouch!" I had just jabbed him in the side.  _Ascend to the skies, really?_ I raised an eyebrow. "Don't blame me, James wrote it."

I rolled my eyes. James Potter had a flair for the dramatic. "By the way, you two are up last" he said to Dorcas and I.

Great. Let's prolong the torture even more. We trudged off to the side and plopped down on the grass. Conversation was limited given that I couldn't speak, but we still managed to have a laugh by making stupid facial expressions.

I carefully watched as three hopeful Chasers flew above us, then another three, and then another three. 9 total, plus the two of us. When the last group touched down, it was our turn. Dorcas and I bumped fists and knocked the handles of our brooms together by taking off.

May was at the posts, a healthy flush covering her cheeks. She certainly looked more confident, but Dorcas and I were no saplings either.

The moment the whistle blew, I shot upwards with the Quaffle, Dorcas tailing me below. About halfway across the pitch, we switched. I rolled the broom so that I was below her, catching the three fingers she held up. Three fingers meant fly out of the Sun. Tossing the Quaffle to her, we zoomed upwards, and I briefly saw May squint her eyes before the Sun blocked us.

I zoomed straight at her, and she panicked, flying to the left, leaving Dorcas free to throw the ball through the center hoop.

We pumped our fists in the air, and James gave us an indulgent smile.

Ten minutes later, I had to say that was a stellar trial. May only managed to save two of the goals. Touching down, it was time to wait for the cut-offs. Remus called the names of those who were to remain. "Dorcas, Swara, Jane, Matthew, and Paul, please stay. The rest of you, thank you for coming out today."

I sized up this Jane, Matthew, and Paul. Neither of them were from our year. Paul was a 6th year, and Jane and Matthew were both 4th years.

"Swara, Paul, and Jane. You three will go first."

James had us do some flying exercises and maneuvers, like the rolling one I had done earlier. Paul was a bit bulkier and had trouble with moving swiftly. I wondered if he would make a good Beater though. Jane was better at the maneuvers but had only made 2 goals.

Matthew seemed to have a better time with the maneuvers, and I was impressed with how quickly he caught on to Dorcas' strategies of stealth.

At the end of that, Matthew was the new Gryffindor Chaser. There were no hugs there, just a quiet smile of thanks. The Beater was the last position, and Tim practically jumped up from where he was sitting all day. James, having read my mind, did keep Paul around for the Beater try-outs, and that was a blessing since he was by far the best at it.

Four hours later and one tantrum from a hopeful Beater who felt cheated by Paul ("He tried out for Chaser first though!"), we had a full Quidditch team.

"Practices will start from Wednesday. Be there on time, or James will kill you," Remus said, completely serious. Paul weakly laughed at that, but it died out when he saw James' perfectly solemn face.

We walked back to the Common Room together before parting ways. I ran up to my dormitory to tell Lily the good news. Instead, I found a hastily written note.

_Swara,_

_Hope the try-out went well. You'll have to tell me (sign me?) all about it later. Gone off with Sev. See you at dinner._

_Lily_

That cold, tingling feeling swept through me again. I didn't like seeing Severus with Mulciber, a downright cruel and sadistic boy practically praying to become a Death Eater, but I didn't know how to tell Lily. She was frightfully defensive about Snape, and I had pictures of James' burned eyebrows from last year when he had told her the same.

Deciding there was nothing else to do but go finish some homework, I walked to the library. Madame Pince was chewing out a student that had brought a chocolate éclair with him. What a fool.

I settled down at my table and started working on the Ancient Runes translation. I had just about finished when Sirius sat in front of me.

He grabbed a spare piece of parchment and wrote, "It's ready."

My confused expression was enough to prompt him to elaborate. "While you all were at the pitch, I figured out the spell for the prank."

I grabbed the quill. "Are you serious?" I saw that shit-eating grin and quickly added. "Don't you dare. You know what I meant."

He took the quill and wrote, "Come on. We're going to test it out in the dorm."

I quickly gathered my stuff, and we rushed to the dorm together. My heart was pounding. As distracted as I was by the try-outs, I couldn't forget what Friedmont had said to me.  _Darkie. Natural habitat._ There was no way in hell that I was going to let that slide. He would regret ever spewing that racist rhetoric.

James, Remus, and Peter were sitting cross-legged on the ground, and Sirius dragged me down next to him. He handed me a piece of parchment and jabbed a finger near the bottom where an incantation had been circled. At the top were some of the spells we had tried together, crossed out and rearranged. Below were some unfamiliar ones that Sirius and Peter must have tested out this morning.

 _Amortia cancia._ I stared at it in disbelief. It looked a bit too simple to get Friedmont to sing Celestina to McGonagall.

"Sirius has imbibed the words with the specifics of the song, Swara. All we have to do is point the wand at Friedmont and then drag it towards McGonagall while saying the spell," Remus elaborated.

Wow. That was an impressive bit of spell-work. I knew Sirius was a borderline genius, but this must've taken him all day. But he had done it, for me.

Filled with emotion, I launched myself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug. When I pulled away, he was wearing a sheepish expression, which he quickly shrugged off and pointed his wand at Remus, who looked like a deer in headlights.

"Wait! Is there a counterspell?" James wrote. Remus sighed in relief at the interruption.

Sirius rolled his eyes and wrote "Finite" on the parchment. Oh. That was simple enough, I suppose. Remus looked slightly more reassured at that.

Sirius pointed his wand at Remus again and dragged it towards…me. Of course. I watched him intently, and there was a glazed look in his eyes. Then, he suddenly crawled over until he was in front of me and belted out the first few words of "Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love."

I had no way of seeing myself, but I had enough self-awareness to know that I was blushing. Hard. Probably to the extent that the flush was visible even on my brown skin.

With a tremendous amount of self-control, I avoided looking at the other three. This was made even easier when Remus decided that he needed to be closer, close enough to block out everything else. Slowly moving while still singing, he stopped about two inches away from my face. I scooted backwards in a hurry, not caring about the hurt look that crossed his face.

Remus came closer again, and I couldn't move since I was backed up against the wall. At this point, I could see the flecks of brown in his blue eyes, and I decided that we had seen the spell clearly worked so there was no need to keep going. My wand was near my original seat, and I moved to grab it around Remus, but he grasped my hands, and I went still.

I briefly caught a glimpse of James' positively gleeful face and knew instantly that none of these fools were going to end the spell before the song was over. I started to contemplate how to get my revenge, but Remus started bringing my hand upward towards his lips.

My eyes, already widened, felt like they were about to burst and dribble down my face. I tried tugging my hand away, but Remus had the strength of a werewolf and was using it for once.

Desperate, I wrenched my hand out of his grasp, grabbed my wand, and pointed it at him all before he had a chance to collect himself.  _Finite,_ I cast and listened as the notes he was singing trailed off to a lackluster death.

His eyes cleared and widened almost comically as he realized how close he was to me. There was a beat where he just looked at me, blue eyes to brown, before scooching backwards in a frenzy. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that my left hand was still in his (crushing) grip and dragged me along with him so that we nearly collided heads.

Like it was a hot brand, he dropped my hand. "Umm, what happened?"

James and Sirius decided to take it upon themselves to re-enact the whole debacle. James was me, and Sirius was Remus. Unable to watch past the point when Sirius planted himself an inch away from James and looked lovingly at him, I averted my eyes. Remus' face had acquired a red hue that deepened with every moment, and he kept looking from me to them.

Finally, they had finished and laughed silently. Remus, who was a stiff as a board, turned to me. "Well, at least we know the spell works?" he asked.

I nodded enthusiastically to hide my embarrassment at the whole situation.

Remus, ever dependable and practical, asked, "When do we want to do this?"

Honestly, at this point, I just wanted to be done with this spell. I jabbed a finger towards the ground twice.  _Today._

And the plan was set.


End file.
